Whine Box

2009-06-09T12:52:00.002+08:00

Returned, I have.

Time flew by yet again, the past 10 days of traveling around Switzerland and Paris ended like a dream.

Switz is beautiful, especially to folks like me that lives with buildings instead of mountains around here.

We climbed (as in, took cable cars and trains) to two different mountains, one of them being the tallest in Europe (as in, the tallest one accessible... They left that detail out.)

Seen, threw, and chilled by snow for the first time. Ohhh it was so much fun nuking the Squeeliing with my snowballs, until she dumped them right back into my inner most layer of clothing...

Oooooh my back was chilled.

All these years, all these freaking years. I had not, and would never have imagined myself being photographed in silly poses.

Oh God, the horror.

This little overenthusiastic tour mate decided that the True ways to pose for photographs are the ones most silly and hilarious.

Oh God, make the images go away.

Even with all the trauma that he has inflicted upon my puny soul, he does have my gratitude. For without him, these moments of perfection with my baby Squee on our engagement trip would not have been captured.

Ahhh, Paris.

The Eiffel Tower, Notre Dame and various other monuments left me stunned by the incredible craftsmanship of the early folks.

The highlight was of course, the Louvre Museum. Mona Lisa and other priceless works... Enough said, like how the Squee puts it.

The trip wouldn't have been even half as fun without my love by my side. I love you darling, and we will go on many more trips in the future!

2009-03-14T00:01:00.002+08:00

Ahhhh two years.

How time flies.

Although technically, at the time of writing this post, it's two years and two days.

Many things happened, and some of them I wish did not.

I regret many things that I did that made you cry, that hurt you.

I'm sorry baby.

But I will work continuously to improve myself, to make myself a better person for you.

I love you, my dearest one.

I can't wait till we can have our dream wedding at Disney Land, and we will live happily, magically ever after.

I love you, my baby Squeeling... My wife.

2008-12-28T16:47:00.001+08:00

It is always difficult.

Difficult to do the right thing.

So... So tough.

Thankfully...

Love gave me strength.

2008-12-06T02:09:00.002+08:00

Sigh.

My poor baby girl has been inflicted with pains that I know all too well...

Ulcers.

Vicious and menacing mouth ulcers.

Their nastiness knows no bounds, waking her up at every tick of the clock, foiling her plans to consume anything other than porridge and bars her from the freedom of speech...

Sigh, my poor baby :(

Ahhh, I cannot wait till you recover my dearest, then we shall feast... Oh yes we shall.

*Sighs in bliss*..

Your illness my dear, has however gave you room to be SOOO INCREDIBLY CUTE!

Your precious little attempts to convey messages through your hand signs.. Suffice to say that your every try gives me a good laughing fit.

Your cuteness... My gosh, no way can my words do justice to just how cute my baby is.

And yet again I feel so fortunate...

Thank you my baby, for loving me :D

And of course, I love you too :D

2008-11-25T02:56:00.002+08:00

Here I sit, in awe.

Just a couple of months ago, my baby girl doesn't even play RPGs....

The furthest was a couple of games on her DS.

But now..

Max leveled Disciple that's nearly fully raid geared.

I am so proud of you my dearest.

Truly amazing, and probably the only thing that can top that is...

The courage to try.

I can still recall the night when you took down your very first mob, screams and shrieks aside *you're so very very cute*, you did awesomely well and have continued to amaze me as we progressed on.

Thank you, my love.

I know it's your love that gave you courage to take the plunge into the darkness. I still can't believe that I am now one of those insanely fortunate guys who can game alongside their beloved, aggro-free.

Thank you, my dearest.

But please know this my love, if for whatever reasons you can no longer game with me. It is fine, really.

Because I love you.

I hope that you are really having as much fun as I am. And may the Senator drop your claw the next time we kick his butt.

Thank you, my Princess.

I love you.

2008-02-11T15:32:00.000+08:00

My last post was 356 days ago?

Feels more like just a couple of days.

So i've reached the point where i'll think to myself....

Do I have the intellectual capacity to survive in NUS? In computing?
Why. The. Hell... Am I so challenged, intellectually?

Ended sem 1 with a bad cap.

Started sem 2 with CS1102, amongst other core modules, NOT expecting it to be this tough. Or maybe I should start listening to advices and do a proper plan first.

The 2 years of JC computing have spoilt me, programming then was effectively child's play compared to university work.

I "can't wait" for the point where program efficiency matters. My utter lack of IQ will then be truly put to the test.

Time's running out, moving on to the next whine point.

My hair has grown so sickeningly long.

So. So. Long.

They prick my ears, and generally make me feel messy and uneasy.

Although their length gives me an easier time pulling them when my brain under-performs.

If only looks don't matter, then i'll just shave off all these three thousand strands of woes and misery.

The obvious solution will be, of course, to get a hair cut.

I'm lazy.

Thus I deserve the pricks.

Last thing,

Please let Angel and Zippy accept each other, and cuddle up, and kiss, and groom, and ya, you get the point.

It's heart breaking to see your two babies growl at each other.

Time to drive over to my darling's place and visit the babies.

Does anyone read this anymore?

2007-02-20T01:46:00.000+08:00

God.

This song make me tear.

----------------------------------------------

"Bless The Broken Road" by Rascal Flatts

I set out on a narrow way many years ago
Hoping I would find true love along the broken road
But I got lost a time or two
Wiped my brow and kept pushing through
I couldn't see how every sign pointed straight to you
Every long lost dream led me to where you are
Others who broke my heart they were like northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

I think about the years I spent just passing through
I'd like to have the time I lost and give it back to you
But you just smile and take my hand
You've been there you understand
It's all part of a grander plan that is coming true

Every long lost dream led me to where you are
Others who broke my heart they were like northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

Now I'm just rolling home
Into my lover's arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you.

----------------------------------------------

A lovely song introduced by a just as lovely friend....

Inspired hope, devoured by harsh reality.

2007-02-16T00:43:00.001+08:00

Why?

You are so... Sadistic.

I.....

You.....

I.....

I know.... I know....

Don't say anything please.....

I know.

Dreams are but dreams...

Destiny holds me tightly in its clutches...

Hopes... Wishes.... Dreams...

Lies... Deceit.... Illusions...

Why?

Too late....

Time flew by, and doesn't stop.....

Further and further away....

I can't.... Catch up...

I'm afraid.....

To ask...

Afraid... To know....

Aaarrrrrgghhhhhhhhh!

WHY!?

2007-02-12T00:08:00.000+08:00

Finally finished driving lessons... Now just left with revision and test.... I hate tests.

Perm-group cleric rolled a necro, scared me for a minute there. But we'll probably lose her anyway, night classes incoming for our dearest friend *sigh*.

Forced to take so many photos recently, my soul is fading away. The camera is like.. A.. Well, Soul Annihilator? Ouch.

Time flies like fleeting clouds, damn.

It's almost mid Feb already. Can we please slow down *sigh*.

And my mom just came in and gave a short speech that I can't quite agree with.

But she just reminded me of one thing.

The path is set, the flowers have fallen and dust settled.

And the hard part being : Getting used to it.

20 years. Or to be realistic, well considering the infancy and kiddy periods are kind of pointless....

8 years then, starting from Sec 1.

Eek, 8 years' a long long time!

Maybe the adapation will come in the 10 years mark. But I can only pray.

And.. God. Forbids.

If it never comes...

Please for the love of all that's Holy.

MMOs, please don't die out!

If you do, watch me die out with you :'(

2007-01-09T13:34:00.001+08:00

For the second time for as far as I can remember, I look at my phone and the time reads.. 13:37.

That is so... 1337.

2007-01-09T02:34:00.000+08:00

Everquest-related post **Alert*

I miss the old days.

No wait, allow me to rephrase that....

I FUCKING miss the old days.

I miss the old Everquest days.

I miss the days when I was still playing my druid, one particular scene still lingers in my mind...

It was in the middle of my 'O's, and my druid was in nexus doing God knows what... And there I was *trying* to play him while hiding from my mom.... I wasn't quite supposed to touch the comp then.... Okay fine I didn't miss that part.

I remember one of the locals I used to know in game, who completely screwed his 'O's over from too much EQ. On one hand i'm glad I didn't screw up too badly, but on the other... I wish I could be as hardcore.

I miss being a *taxi* with my druid. Let me see....

/shout Ports to EC, SRO, EK for 10pp each, pst!

I lost almost all my business when the PoP expansion was released......

I was afraid to try new things, and quad kiting the wyverns in Cobalt Scar was a daring adventure by my standards... Nice loot, fair exp.... But... Zzzzzz.

Poofie! My bard! I've no idea why I chose a bard, it was such a chore to play. But it was my first and only character I got to the level cap with... And God... It was helluva trip.

I......................

Miss........

Pulling......

I miss pulling.

In LDoNs especially.... With the old team.... Utterly flawless....

Christien, Satien, Weorit, and my dearest enchanter with a name starting with 'T'... I would cut myself with a rusted and poisoned katana in so many places so many times for forgetting your name! AARRRRGHHHHH!!!!

That was such quality fun... Quality people...

I miss how I hated pulling in Guk LDoN, mobs were hidden in corners and a seemingly lone undead froglok will bring lots of friends..... And no, I didn't forget the evil eyes, the harmtouches... OUCH.

I miss how I loved pulling in Nro LDoN... All the sandy elves and shit... How we completed countless adventures in the starting room... I miss pulling.... *Tears in the eyes*

I miss how the gang went up to Plane of Sky and I had to pull in a raid zone for the first time. Amazingly designed that place was....

I miss the day I got my epic 1.0.... I've been hunting the pieces in the bazaar and solo killing for a long time... Finally that whip thing from Plane of Fear popped up in the bazaar... God... Next thing was getting enough people to take down Trak... That was tougher than all previous steps combined.

So there I sat in PoK, shouting out something like...

"Trak bard epic mini-raid LFM"

Satien came to help out, and led us around the place... I love you sister!

I was so completely lost.... The printed maps were exceedingly confusing, thank God Satien was there. Oh and we almost wiped on Trak, he was down to like

That was like, a dream come true. There in my hands, holding my SSS, it was ammmmmmmazzzzzing!

See that sword with floating blue music notes! Singing Steel Shortsword!!

And I had my dearest enchanter friend illusioned me into a froglok. The words on top of my head reads "Poofie FSU". Below that is "Molto Expressivo"

FSU is a common last name used by the gang, spelt out as Fuck Shit Up. Hah.

A photo I took with a rather... Unfriendly Shissar hah. I had to sing a lullaby to make it sleep before it'll let me take a photo without trying to bite my head off. And Renolath who had to stand behind my new friend to ruin the photo.... *Finger*.

I miss the days.

I miss the team, I miss the mobs, I miss the pulling, I miss doing with the gang dungeons that I thought i'll never get to explore.

All these very few and limited photos are all the tangible memories I have left... Damn I should have taken more, argh.

I can only pray that I can find such close teams again in Vanguard... And the fun... The sense of danger, the excitment...

Did I mention that I just read on the Vanguard forums that someone was complaining about how the death penalty is too harsh, corpse runs are too brutal, and how WoW's death penalty was *gasp*, annoying!?

The next easiest way to respawn with regards to WoW, is to just god damn stand right up again after you take that death blow in the face.

When you die in EQ, you die leaving a corpse, with all your stuff in it, and you respawn at the bind point. Which is usually realllllllllllllly far away, so you needa run all the way back to ya corpse naked, and sometimes create more corpses by dying on the way there. It makes WoW's death penalty looks like it was designed for infants.

I miss how in the old EQ days, where death really meant something. Running from Freeport to Qeynos, or vice versa, took experience and knowledge of the route... Do something stupid anywhere in between, or worse, at the end, and you get to re-run the trip naked.

In between Freeport and Qeynos was a forest called.. The Kithior Forest.. Kithior being a word I can NEVER spell right... Not even now. At night time lots of undead will spawn, you can risk running through it if you're high level enough, or hug the zone wall REALLY TIGHT and pray that you make it. I recall the lower level days, when I will just sit at the zone entrance and wait for dawn... And chat up with random people who were doing the same.

I wish I could have taken part in the high-end contents though. Only managed to took part in some plane raids in the later parts of my Molto life, ahh I recall my very first raid in EQ... With my low level druid, I was brought by my guild leader to Temple of Cazic Thule... Before the revamp, when it was still a low level zone. We fought the Avatar of Fear, and we were swimming in this huge slimy globe of... Slime. My first raid, and damn... My first raid!

I miss the old bazaar in EC tunnels, I miss how bronze armor costed 1pp per ac.... I missed how donning a full suit of bronze armor made you uber.

I miss the old days.... The old days being... 4 years ago? or 5... Damn.

Thinking back... Maybe I don't really regret not having a *life* all these years... Would a *life* be more fun than what I had in the old EQ days? I don't know.

And that very day.. That very life-altering day... My mom and I were at Tampines Mall... In the software store... E+C or something... She picked up the Everquest : Ruins of Kunark box.... Lo and behold... My mom got me hooked to my first and greatest ever MMO.

And now I look so very forward to Vanguard... I pray that there, I will find salvation.

Fuck Shit Up!

2006-12-23T11:09:00.000+08:00

For the second time this month...

Some uncool driver had once again send a wave of tsunami at me outside Comfort Driving Centre.

Wet, so utterly wet.

And it went like...

*Some cars coming*, 'Oh shit i'm so gonna get splashed....', ouched.

Wet.

2006-12-16T23:58:00.000+08:00

I know.

I know i'm not qualified.... To feel but the best I can.

I know.

I know that Fortune has been so exceedingly kind... Worries and woes... Almost lacking.

I know.

I know that Fortunate is but an understatement... What extreme luck... For such blessing?

But why?

Why is it... Too late.

For the seventeen-thousandth time, time flew by faster than I can blink, than I can catch up to. Teen years flew by in an instant... It's heart wrenching, to look back at past memories.... At how time was so worthlessly spent... But if I could turn back time.... Nothing will change.

Why is it... This way.

Is it my.... Zodiac? Horoscope? Fate? Destiny? Probably all of them. Why can't I check the boxes for Basketball, Soccer or whatever sports most people enjoy. Why can't the great outdoors be a beloved... Why just ask why? Why is Character.... So utterly resistant to change....

Why is it... Pitch black.

The darkness chills, mutilates and rips at your heart. Why should the void exist... Four more years.... Then it will be sealed. Engraved deep in stone, locked away in the depths of Limbo... To dust, all fade. A deep stab.... Will be less painful.

I used to so naively believe.... Believe that it was due to just the superficial.... But then I realised, what lies far deeper than the skin... Is just as rotten. Pull factors... So saddeningly lacking. Why can't Fortune bestow upon a fuller package.... Or am I asking for way too much.

Solutions.... Answers....

Surgery.... Alchemist.... A blow to the back of the head....

Rid the chemicals, and look at how Release is following so closely behind...

When....

And why?

2006-12-09T15:30:00.000+08:00

I've. Finally. ORDed.

Yeah.

Welcome back Pink IC!

Time flies like fleeting clouds.

Thinking back on enlistment, BMT, SAF Day 05, NDP 05, MP Basic, SAF Day 06, NDP 06...

Doesn't quite feel like two years.

Another stage of life, another set of worries.

Where is my alchemist?

2006-11-12T00:10:00.000+08:00

27 more days.

Everyday passes like it's just for the sake of that.

When it comes though...

I'm already suffering from what that shouldn't happen so soon.

I'm so bored, so out of things to do, but i'm lazy to

- Pick up a skill
- Exercise
- Revise some academic stuff

Time passing is almost a chore.

I'm such a dick.

Oh well, at least tomorrow i'm finally gonna meet up with some old TFC friends again. Really old, really long ago.

There, distant memories flying back.

I. Miss. The. Old. Days.

Things have changed so much over these few years...

It's back to...

Just me, in my room.

Settle on a god damn MMO, beejeezus.

2006-10-29T22:15:00.000+08:00

Another thing to add to the list of To-Dos.

I've no idea where / who else to ask.

I've no idea who can possibly give an even more accurate answer than the Heavenly.

Just yesterday...

The sight was terrifying, literally.

Reminds me of the various MMOs... The monsters that are in it... The zombies. the ghouls, the rotten.

It's so scary, so very painful.

I need something that isn't remotely realistic.

I need my drinks again, ARGH.

I know I shouldn't complain, i've been so very fortunate all these years.

But...

I... Can't.. Fucking... Help.......

So I just want to ask.... Why?

Is it because the fortune in all other aspects balances out? Have I sinned way too much in the past? Or did the stats dice just gave me a really bad roll.

At least give me a reason...

Fate and Destiny.... God... Fuck both of you.

2006-10-16T01:53:00.000+08:00

Finally booked my driving stuff last Friday night... About damn time I dragged my butt down to get it done.

I almost had to physically abuse myself to get up on Saturday morning... Planned to wake at 7am, but only managed to get up at 7:15. Left for NUS with YN, ran into a one-year-seven-months-no-see BMT platoon mate... Had a nice chat, although we forgot each other's names hah.

The session started late, took about 30 minutes before it ended. Only then did I realise I have to study Singapore's history and stuff in NUS...

History...

God damn it.

And NTU is spared from such.....

Grrrrrrrr.

Reached home around noon, had a well-deserved(hah) sleep for a few hours.

Then I proceeded to do a CHAIN of stupidities.

Original plan : Take a bus from across my void deck to a further bus-stop, then change to 55 or 25 so i'll land at SR's mama shop bus stop... The appointed meeting place.

What I unintelligently did : Took a bus from my void deck, went a few stops ahead before I realised my mistake, alighted outside Temasek Poly. Took a cab to Heartland mall. Walked back to SR mama shop bus stop.

Wrong bus stop, cab to wrong alighting point... GG.

Thankfully I was still a little early, so took a seat and sat around.

KW came early too, had a chat before YN called. Left for JJ's house in a 80% cramped bus.

Hmmm, one, two, three... Four... Hmmm.

Attractive young ladies all gathered in his home, how exceedingly fortunate.

Then there is this ultra cute young lady walking around the house... Cute's an understatement but... What's cuter than cute?

Oh oops, after a bit I realised she's the er-jie.

HL suggested getting some *drinks*, hmmmmm, can't say no to *drinks*.

Drifted a little away from their original plan... From a 6 pack beer to a bottle of vodka, and 2 mixing ice cream soda!

Downed the drinks senseless outside his house door, another night when I drank a little too much.

Took a cab back with YN, I totally can't recall the part from stepping out of the cab to reaching my room... Except I probably puked a little here and there.

Puked more in my house's toilet, then I finally got some sleep.

Today was quite a torture, even now i'm still feeling a little dizzy and pukish.

I still remember the last time when things got this bad... Was when I was at Sakae Sushi with my camp mates, and I downed a little too much sake.

When I suffered from the aftermath that time, I was like.. Arghh i'll never get myself so shit drunk again.... The aftermath is painful.

Apparently I didn't learn well.

But my mom came to know about last night and she got kinda worried... All the astrology stuff she's reading said my life will be ruined my alcohol and food... So she kinda took that as a justification for her worries.

Damn.

If the astrology thingy is true, then it's saying i'll forever be drinking -> the reason for drinking will always be there -> contradicting to its predictions about the other part of my life.

The irony is almost beautiful... Saddeningly beautiful.

Everytime when I think i'm getting numb, finally getting used to it... It'll struck me all of a sudden. May it be the TV, movie or the street...

The thought is scary. It's probably the whole hope thing... If only hope is tangible... Then it'll be easy to squash.

Like... *SPAT*. Die false hope, rot in hell.

How many more years before I can finally say...

I'M NOW USED TO IT! WOOT!

How very kind, Mr. Destiny.

2006-10-10T13:47:00.000+08:00

Just returned from beach road.

Damn that helmet's expensive.

There were two uncles at the shop... And they can't stop babbling.

Worse thing is they babble TOGETHER.

So I have to keep turning my head left and right and act like I can listen to both of them at once.

They obviously didn't get the concept of "One person speaks at a time".

But of course, the trip was still fruitful, besides having bought my primary objective...

At the hawker center below the army market... Every turn of the head, I see an exceedingly attractive working class lady.

As I walk up / down the stairs... I'll bump into another amazingly gorgeous lady...

Okay maybe exceedingly and amazingly is a bit much, but damn, they look good.

I was thinking... What are all the working class chiobus doing at beach road!?

Looking around the street, looking at all the buildings and companies so I may be able to work there in the future...

Then when I drop out of the cab at the bus stop near my block, there's another sweet young lady sitting at the bus stop...

Well, all in all... One of the better days since a long time!

2006-10-09T23:29:00.000+08:00

This fine day.

I was planning to drag my lazy butt to beach road.

I've somehow managed to lose my combat helmet... How 1337 is that.

I MUST go tomorrow though, just in case i'll have to *order* one. Considering the shipment time and stuff, i've little time if shit hits the fan.

Oh and I didn't go today because.... I was napping. Lazy pig ass.

These days are getting more and more uninteresting, with almost absolutely nothing happening.

Wake up -> Eat & Play game -> Nap -> Eat & Play game -> Sleep -> Wake up...

Vicious infinite loop.

Only couple of things that happened...

I received a call from camp's office in the early afternoon... I was like, shit, did something go wrong again, or are arrows flying to AN ORD PERSONNEL!?

It was from someone who wanted to dekit... Directed him to one of the juniors and carried on gaming. There's this contact list of all HQ people in the office... Damn I should remove my name from it.

Then just now a long-time-no-see camp friend messaged me. He asked if i'm going for the batch buffet. I wish I can be a little more... Love-to-attend-such-events. Anti-socialism ftw.

And he suggested that we meet up someday, which was rather surprising. We rarely talk to each other, but he seemed like he's interested in keeping in touch. Interesting, and i'm glad. He's nice, and only after coming to army then I realised that nice people aren't actually very common.

And eh...

Fish Leong is hot.

Yup.

2006-10-09T19:39:00.000+08:00

Fish Leong is an ANGEL!!!

She's drop-dead GORGEOUS!

I wanna get her poster and hug it to sleep everynight.

Damn she's beautiful.

2006-10-07T23:58:00.000+08:00

Thursday -

Chatted a bit with a long-time-no-see friend. He's gonna organise some outing so the old Blanks are meeting up again. I miss them... Although it's just down to 3 people now... Or maybe 4.

He said something that once again reminds me of how fast time flies. He said my MSN display pic and nick has been this since the last time we celebrated his birthday... Which was like, 3 years ago...

So fast, so unimaginable. I'll be looking forward to see how we've all changed in one another's eyes.

Friday -

Woke up kinda early, earlier than I normally would... Like 9am.

Took a long bus to Jurong East, had some quality reading time on the way there. Took the train to Boon Lay, then I was supposed to find the bus terminal...

I picked the wrong side to go, and I ran into some interviewer.

He - Can I ask a few questions?
Me - No sorry, kinda in a rush here.
He - Nah it won't take a minute.
Me - Why don't you tell me where the bus terminal is?
He - The bus terminal is right over there *points*.
Me - Thanks, and i'm really in a rush *walks away*.

Some afterthought made me guilty. Without returning the favor of directing me by answering some of his questions, I just left him. I'm such a dick.

I was supposed to give Angeline a miss call when I board the bus... But I guess I was... Distracted... So I forgot till a few stops into the ride. I was too late with the call, and I ended up going 2 stops too far. She was kind enough to travel a stop forward to meet me, thank you friend.

We went to her apartment, and like she said, "Fortunately or unfortunately, my roomie is out for a formal meeting." Or some other formal business. Hmmmm, I was glad she wasn't around, if not I wouldn't been able to sit around and chat in her room.

I.
Love.
Her room.

Or should I say, I love how you can have your own little room, your own personal space, YOUR OWN LAPTOP!

Although I have that in my own house (minus the laptop), but I can't have friends knocking on your door, come over anytime for a chat, that kind of stuff.

We chatted for a bit, then she toured me around NTU.

Damn, NTU is like some self-sufficient HDB hub. Almost everything you need can be gotten there.

She brought me to the NIE canteen... Geebus.

The chicken-chop spaggeti(sp) is great! Reminds me of the western food in TKSS... Heavenly.

And so were some of the ladies there, simply... Hot.

And there were cut fruits and fruit juices! Something I wish my camp's canteen can provide... Healthy living ftw.

Will be glad if I can at least spend a year in the hostel in NUS... It'll be fun.

We looked around the Campus Bookshop, Popular Bookshop, and the computer store... It's sad they don't sell very much, and no computer/console games!

I wish I could have stayed longer, but she has her tennis stuff to attend to. We parted at five plus, and I had more quality reading time on the long bus rides.

Thank you so much friend, the tour was fun.

Saturday -

Woke up at like, 1+.

JW called all of a sudden to announce a change of plans... As damn usual.

So no movie, but the primary objective at least, was still met.

Ate sushi... And i'm like, getting this burnt out feeling with sake... Damn it happens with some many things, and the alcohol chain goes like Beer -> E33 -> Sake, what's next? It's tiring trying to find new stuff to drink.

We came to Citigems! And we saw this... Simply gorgeous pendant, or two, in fact. Two to a necklace, both with an ancient Chinese word engraved on each. One marks your Chinese zodiac, the other your birth time.

And it's designed for males! Omg is an extreme understatement.

But I hoped for something better. I asked if I can engrave my own Chinese word onto the metal plate, she recommened Cineleisure... So that's possible...

I'll kill to get it, I MUST HAVE IT!!! Gonna shop for a shitload of things after I ORD, and that'll be my top priority.

I want the traditional style writing of the word though, I must remember to print the word out BIG on paper so they won't screw up.

Completed our primary objective, then JW had to rush home. When we stepped out of Whitesands, it looked like it was pouring...

Turned out to be the damn haze.

The haze was really bad today, constant fog and the burning smell...

I MUST HAVE THE PENDANT!!!

2006-10-05T00:47:00.000+08:00

Company chalet day.

48 man in the morning, thankfully I wasn't involved.

Chalet for the rest of the day....

As for why i'm here...

Well, i'm sick =D

Like, with all honesty on my face.

Next Friday...

I get to repeat the whole process again... The whole last-Tuesday thing.

What if things get inverted again....
What if I slam the door on some poor lady....
What if.... Arghhh

Oh well, I guess it'll be fun though.

And i'm like, won't needa be back in camp till next Wednesday.

About. Damn. Time.

Neat.

Leave clearing finally starts... 2 more months to go!

Nothing to write about! Argh.

Have a great night.

2006-10-03T22:15:00.000+08:00

So many things happened today.

I forgot what I was gonna continue writing about.

But anyway...

This morning I had to iron this thing... The material is so odd, the specialist got to iron a cloth one, and me...

I got burn marks on it! God it was almost like a cruel joke... Fortunately they are easily removable... Geeze, guess what would have happened if I burnt a HOLE in it... I can't begin to imagine... The horror... Ahhhhh!!!!11!111eleven

If you know my job, you should have a rough idea what that is.

Next thing, my specialist and I went over to fix on the *thing*.

He bundled it up nicely, like a scroll, but was completely unnecessary. In fact, almost disasterous.

He put it up, pulled it up slowly... When it's finally at the top... He *broke* the thing by pulling one of the strings. Broke as in, break it free, out of the bundled form.

Guess. What. Happened.

It flew high in the sky... Upside-down.

I was like... WTF IT'S UPSIDE DOWN... PULL IT DOWN FFS (!)#*!@).

Some guy with many arrows on his shoulders came by and, phew, merely gave a tiny lecture, nothing serious though *relief*.

After that was fixed, I was unpleasantly notified that the spec and I had to stand in for the PIA positions, until the parade starts.

Basically when you have some ultra important guy come over for a visit, many quite important people from all over the world will also drop by.

I missed the honour to be the PIA for the ultra important people, but for the rest... It was kinda fun.

My first time, training took a minute before I went in. Exciting in a scary sorta sense.

Oh and by the way, what PIA does is open the car doors for the people of varying degrees of importance.

Take a step forward, open the door, take a step back and to the side, salute and say, "Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Day Sir/Madm".

And close the door the same way you opened it, step back and wait for the next car.

Harder than it sounds, at least for a first timer.

But one country ( which I fail to recall ), the lady that stepped out had this really warm smile. Was really sweet, not in the "hot babe / chiobu / great bod" sorta way. Just the... Really warm way.

Another country's lady, an apparent Ang Moh, said "xie xie". Hah, kinda cute I must say.

Then there was this guy... He was driving, in fact.

I didn't open the door for him, I didn't salute, I didn't even say anything at all.

Then one of the very senior spec walked over and told me who he is.

Oops.

I had to wait till kinda late to retrieve the things though, and before I do that... I had to open more doors to send them back.

There's this exceptionally big-boned lady who almost seemed like she had difficulties fitting into the car... I was kinda worried to close the door...

What if I smash her fats, or leg, while I close the door?

It was a major relief when I closed the door, and she didn't scream.

And I have this wierd habit of, well, closing car doors really loud.

It doesn't sound loud to me, but even my mom says it does.

So the first couple of doors closed were like i'm slamming the door in.

Until the spec said, "Hey, you're closing the door too loud!"

I kinda went to the other extreme then.

I was thinking, hmmm, so maybe I should, pull the door handle, push the door in, then release the door handle. So the door locks in nicely without using much force.

Theory-craft.

Two doors, *closed* that way, were left slightly ajar as the driver drove away.

I was like... Oh... Shit..

What if in the middle of the road, she leans against the door, it flings open and she falls right onto the road!? *Shivers*

I wish I could have given the ajar doors a kick... But...

You're talking about Jaguars and the likes... Yikes.

Rich people.

Rich foreign people.

Or maybe they don't own the cars.

Oh well, today was kinda fulfilling, and fun!

Hope such days don't end.

Safe travels!

2006-10-03T04:09:00.000+08:00

The 100th post!

4am in the morning.

72 man GOH later in the day...

And i'm still up.

48 man tomorrow... Hopefully my name isn't in the list... Staying in nowadays just doesn't feel right anymore.

The second half of the day after the 48 man will be the company chalet! How unexciting. There's kinda like two sides to it though.

1 -> Many people's idea of fun != My idea of fun. It's almost ironic then, that I am forced to attend a *fun* function that just simply ends up as torturous. It almost hurts.

2 -> The people behind these events though, put their heart and time into planning all these stuff out. We tend to overlook this point too often, but still... It's like, appreciated, but no thanks.

I can only wish, i'm bornt having the ability to enjoy such stuff.

Reminds me of what my mom said a few days back...

When I was a kid, like kindergarden-kid kind of kid, when you have all the other kids running around, having fun, playing those forsaken stupid games...

I sit in a corner, utterly refuses to move, or participate in the activities that were the norm.

As I get older, I once again shun normal, healthy activities. I never touched sports, and god I wish I can actually bring myself to enjoy it.

Secondary school... Playwright.... If that's how you spell it.. But the point is...

*#!@*# NIGHTMARE OMG!!!one11!!11eleven.

My English teacher then, was saying how we were so lucky to be picked (only class to be picked) for this project. Basically it involves writing up a locally themed script and exchange it with.. Some foreign school. We discuss the plots and stuff and as a finale we'll put up a play according to what was given to us.

Yup, the TERROR and HORROR and... I don't know, in the word *PLAY*.

ACTING!? You. Have. Got. To. Be. Kidding. Me.

I was put through classes and workshops conducted by my lovely English teacher, and every single moment I wish I could just fade into thin air.

There was one session that left a rather lasting memory... We were told to each do some gesture and say something like, "Hi, I am Soandso."

One of my closer friends stroked his hair, one bent down and flexed his muscles.

Don't ask what I did, i'm still trying to forget that part.

I was, and still am, so incredibly shy. It's kinda like an illness.

And there has to be things that make it worse...

I stutter, and I can't get over the fact that I do.

Reminds me of this Chinese idiom, basically says something like "Throw rocks down well".

This poor guy is already in the well, struggling to get out. And you worsen his situation by ramming rocks onto his head.

Somethings may be so mind-numbling simple for you, but can be a real struggle for me.

Speaking straight, is a luxury I can probably never get to enjoy.

No, it's not due to mentality. When there's absolutely no fear or anxiety involved, words still get stuck in my mouth.

And in that instant, I have to work and find another word to replace it, or even rephrase my entire sentence.

It gets tiring after 20 years, so fucking tiring.

When they're sizing for the parades, they have to do a headcount, starting from the extreme right. You'll do a verbal count of your position. Basically you will utter x+1, where x is the number of the guy to your right.

Thank God, i'm usually in the 10s.

Because twen.... It'll get stuck, and it'll hurt.

When I do get to stand among the 20s, or whenever a counting goes and i'm in the 20s, I may get jammed and hold up the counting.

That. Sucks.

Fuck the reason why it happens.

One friend said something like "What's with the long pause?"

It's painful.

But now I just say, two-two, or two-eight, or something.

Two is easy to pronounce, twen-- isn't.

So now you kinda know why i'll rather hide in a hole than to approach the attractive lady. Shy + Human-nature-stuttering + Bornt-stuttering = Stay... Away.

My camp's anniversary(sp) dinner happened a few days ago. Most people whom I know, acknowledges the fact that I hate taking photos. Then there was this specialist (who ORDed on that very day) came over and wanted a photo with me. He wasn't exactly a close friend, just someone I have some contacts with over army work. I was like, eh sorry I don't take photos.

Thinking back, that was rude as hell.

If I were him, I would have thought, "Geeze what a dick, now that I've ORDed you deem the right to disregard my existence."

Totally not what I meant though.

Only now then I thought... Damn, I probably would never see the photo anyway.

Damn, should have just taken it.

All of a sudden this dawns upon me. The issue is with seeing myself on the photo, not taking it.

So yeah, i'll probably be less rude from now on, but just don't ever let me see the photos.

But to all the dicks who enjoy holding out their camera phones / digicams and saying, "Hey! That's you!".

Allow me... Fuck You.

I should probably book a driving theory test date now.

I was thinking about getting my driving licenses asap after ORD.

But considering all the waiting times, I would better start soon.

That thought came like, 2 months ago. And now it's Oct.

It's now or never.

Just hope it doesn't clash with any parades.

I used to kinda hate the idea of driving.

Then I thought about all the pros...

My mom was saying I can drive my sis to school, yeah about time she gets to wake up later.

I can drive my family to meals, it's like entering another stage of life, i'm sure they'll be glad.

She said I should drive to school next time, I was kinda against that idea at first... But now i'm thinking... In the car, alone, or with a couple of close friends... It's actually kinda enjoyable.

Maybe I should just stop worrying so much, stop being paranoid about the unavoidable.

Time to head for camp, hopefully i'll get to write more tonight, if I don't have to stay in.

Safe travels.

2006-10-02T21:39:00.000+08:00

2 more months.

Then i'll have four years.

All the sights and sounds on the streets...

I can only wish for someone from *above* to come down here, so I can ask "Why?"

Why? What's the god damn probability that things are this way?

At least spare me a solution mates, jeebus.

Technology take huge leaps with every breath...

But for the love of all that's holy...

Where are the god damn brain cells removers?

2 decades mates...

It has been so long...

But still...

I can't get used to it.

What do I do, i'm utterly lost.

There's always a reason to drink...

Why?

2006-09-03T00:39:00.000+08:00

1st Sept is god damn at last, OVER.

*Sigh of relief*

And today is the COG.

89 more days to pink IC, so near yet so far.

I'm so glad there are now juniors to take over possible weekend armskote duties, makes me feel all warm inside.

Damn, lacking those rushing emotions to start my long string of complaints.... So this post will be rather short.

Joey... SOP Joey?

2006-08-23T22:53:00.000+08:00

I almost want to tattoo this word on my forehead.

Something today has once again reminded me....

No, I shouldn't complain no more.

I should be, grateful, and very glad.

But still, I hope it doesn't deny me the *right* to be saddened by the harsher side of Truth.

Hah, life is just full of such internal struggles.

I needa find a scientific way to imprint these into my brains.

I tend to forget, it tends to *slip off my mind*.

I need an infinite loop with that executes a short series of commands every, 10 seconds.

Something like

for(;;)
{
FlashAboveIdiom();
PlayShortClip(Flashback_Of_The_Past_2_Decades.mpg);
Sleep(10_Seconds_Worth_Of_Ticks);
}

In rare cases, even such reminders can't wake me up!

Fortunately i've been able to *shake* myself up before long, but...

What if... One day.. I fail?

if(ReturnLostDuration() >= 10)
SelfDestruct();

God damn blogger eats up my formatting, makes me look all untidy and messy *shivers*.

It just gets tiring after a while, or 20 years.

The fact that you know it'll stay this way, having to live with this knowledge is... Geeze, any word used will be a severe understatement.

Technology is so insanely advance now, but where is the suction tube that suuuucckkkks all the god damn forsaken shit-covered life-mauling chemicals stuck in the back of the brain?

Until then...

The mind struggles on.

But no... God. Damn. It.

I shouldn't complain...

But I can't help!!!

Destiny owned me, or more accurately put, continues to own me.

Bad game.

And everytime I stare blankly into the sky...

"Wwwhhhhyyyy...." slowly floats across my mind.

Why me?

2006-08-20T13:08:00.000+08:00

Time flies.

Some important countdowns to make me feel great.

12 days to 1st Sept, 40th SAFPU Anniversary.
14 days to 3rd Sept, September Change of Guards.
110 days to 8th Dec, return of the Pink IC.

Change of Guards is good, it reminds me of the passing of yet another month.

As time flies by, as ORD gets closer, I think more and more of the time when enlistment was coming.

It is then, you feel the true extent of *time flies*.

My parents were worried SICK, and so was I.

It was a thought unimaginable.

But it all happened... In fact it happened more than 1.5 years ago.

Although I can't help to ponder...

Did I change?

I am still

Antisocial
Unable to take care of myself
On the comp more than any living thing should

Probably the only changes were negative.

I wonder if i'm looking forward to Uni at all.

It'll be another social playground which i'll look totally out of place in.

And i'll have to what, buy more clothes so I *fit in* ?

Right now I have just 2 polo shirts that I wear, and the same kind of pants.

I can wear those 2 shirts and pants for ALL eternity. Oh, and my army sports shoes too.

Alright maybe the shoes will have to go, they're tearing apart.

I can't believe i'm worried about things like this.

There was a slight hint of hope, in ages long past. But nah, destiny wasn't kind enough.

I wish I can say, argh this character is screwed over, time to just /restart.

But oh well,

Life != Game

2006-08-13T20:14:00.000+08:00

I'm always complaining about the same thing, the same old thing.

It doesn't get old, it doesn't cease to exist.

It's both utterly pointless and foolish, but I guess at least i'm not complaining about it vocally.

I wish I can choose again, assuming I had a choice in the first place.

Comps are bad, pure evil.

Teenage life flew by in an instant.

No time to react, no time to even say... What the fuck.

Dreams have been cruel, or kind, depending on perspective.

I can only dream that on a fine day, when I wake up...

Everything will finally seem right, and deep in my head a voice will say....

Yeah! This is the way it should have been!

Dreams and my comp are the only ones accompanying me...

Till my time is up and when I become one with the wind...

Consciousness is.... Unpleasantly overwhelming.

2006-08-13T13:52:00.000+08:00

30th Jan....

It's 13 Aug now, so this space has been left in the dust for... Almost 7 months?

Time flies, and i'm losing track.

The second SAF day, second NDP is over.

My understudies are officially posting in tomorrow, something that i've been waiting for since day one.

The feeling... Isn't as I thought they will be.

The joy of.. No more weekends burnt for NDP! No more falling in for SAF day trainings! Armskote duties -> Understudies...

Isn't quite there, I can't bring myself to be overflown with tears of relief, and overwhelming joy. It's like, THE TIME HAS FINALLY COME, but everything goes on like a year ago. The only thing I feel is the SHOCK about the fleeting time.

4 months.

Maybe i'll really feel the tears then, when my pink IC finally returns to my safekeeping. Or maybe... It'll be just another day, we will see.

Time flies so fast, I can never ever say that enough.

I will not be surprised, at all, if after the next blink, I find myself alone in this one-room apartment, sitting before some alien computer-look-alike, struggling to keep up with the pace of whatever i'm trying to do.

Funny, isn't it.

Looking at my old, wrinkled self trying to keep up... Keep up with teenagers, or young adults, pushing my ancient trash of a brain beyond its limits.

Maybe I should stick to single player games then, or maybe by then... The other *players* waiting on me, will be no more than AI that's beyond our wildest imagination right now.

After these times in the army, especially since i've taken over armskote, some understandings have finally surfaced. In the fortunate past, they were hidden in the vast sea of my sub-consciousness, but now...

People are so.... Scary.

Maybe because i'm always comparing people and machines.

My comp will never say, "You're way too ugly / stupid / poor to be my friend." And proceeds to shut down.

My comp will never say, "Welcome Soandso, enjoy your stay." And secretly construct some electrical signals that go something like, "What's this hideous retard doing in my face."

The worst it can do is... Well, break down.

Can't say how glad I am, that my dearest comp is not yet intelligent enough to judge me, to stab me in the back, to hurt me.

It's time to go, time to hit Orchard for Change of Guards.

It feels wierd, and I almost dread it. I feel so uneasy walking in town.

It's like...

A dwarf walking among giants.
A turtle running with rabbits.
A beggar living with walking ATMs.

It's like...

You get the picture.

2006-01-30T21:19:00.000+08:00

I can almost feel maggots forcing their way outta my skin.

It's Chinese New Year, and i'm rotting at home.

Feb will almost be scary, lets hope it goes smooth.

I need more alcohol-addicted friends :(

But...

God dammnit.

I hate the taste of alcohol! I didn't understand how someone can enjoy the taste till I drank with a friend. We were at Indo Chines, and randomly ordered some cocktails. God dammnit, they tasted like dog poo. Downing one glass in like 10 seconds isn't exactly worth the cash.

Then my friend was like, slowly savouring the shit, eek.

And he said, it's not alcohol that you enjoy, it's getting drunk. Yeah damn, he's right.

He said the same thing again, when I bought a bottle of Chivas from 7-11, a large bottle of sprite and 2 Slurpy cups. His proportion of Chivas-Sprite was, eeewwww, the alcohol taste was still so strong. I mixed so much sprite, but that was the only way to hide the smell and taste, damn alcohol taste like poo. But... How do you get drunk without drinking?

And was out for dinner with family just now.. AND GOD DAMMNIT. That can of Henikien, did I spell it right? Tasted like foamy toilet refuse. Tasted so bad I had to steal sis' french fries to rid the taste. Omfg.

Argh pub is still > all, everything is set for ya. When can I go back!?

At least I still have E-33s, but... The taste is slowly becoming a little... Sickening.

Geeze. If I can start over... I'll [X] Club, Basketball.

2006-01-15T23:17:00.000+08:00

Hmmm.

A change of plans.

Well, sometimes when somethings change, and you take a longer than usual notice...

Then you realise... What's the damn point?

It'll still be the same... Same old shit.

So...

Why bother?

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

KW just smsed around maybe 30 minutes ago... I could almost join him to drink dammmnit.

DAMN, wanted to take off tomorrow, but there's SHIT going on tomorrow, shitty shittedness. Dammnit people, STOP COMING TO SINGAPORE. Dammnit.

If I took off tomorrow.. I'll be heading back to meet him now... DAMN.

I so wanted to drink last night, and had to settle for E33, then now... THERE'S SOMEONE TO DRINK WITH ME BUT I CAN'T GO. God dammnit x 5000.

Finally got some kind of release last night, if only stomach won't hurt, then it'll be perfect. E33 for the lose, I need something else.

Dammmmmmmmmmmmmmn.

2006-01-10T21:13:00.000+08:00

I was just looking back from my first post in this blog.

Had a couple of good laughs, with all the usual, WTF was I thinking?

At the MICSY post, I was quite taken aback all of a sudden. That incident happened 1 year and 5 months ago, and at the point of re-reading it, it felt like yesterday. Time flies so fast geeze, i'm still recovering from intense shock.

Then I read about a post where I paid much compliments to my computer. Loud sigh, I must say i'll have no idea how all these years would be spent if I never had a computer. Maybe i'll be normal, but that's a little too unlikely. I'll more likely be in some padded cell, arms binded up, and shouting crap in binaries.

Ahhh, reading more reminded me of the bookmarks I bought from CBLC during Valentine's day... I gave them to someone else, someone I can't remember. Hmmm.

Argh time to book in.

2006-01-10T17:48:00.000+08:00

Dragged my butt outta the door today.

Couple of objectives to meet.

1) Buy some books to read in camp, and Dilbert.
2) Buy birthday present for BMT platoon mate.

Check, cross.

Damn.

I.... Can't.... Find a suitable gift for a guy damnnit. I've no idea what he likes, and didn't want to just buy the first thing I saw. Jeeze, I was so helpless and shit, roaming around TM and CS.

But oh well, i'll probably look around shopping malls near my camp.

Second time in my life to go solo shopping. Pros and cons I guess.

Pros :-

> I can listen to my mp3 player all the time!
> Spent like god knows how long at Times, and finished a Dilbert comic book.
> More and more used to going out alone.

Cons :-

> Nobody to talk to.
> Nobody to whine and complain to about how I can't find a damn gift.
> Nobody to tell me what to buy!

I'll have to wake up so insanely early tomorrow! Like, 4:30am? Sheesh. I'll rather do the damn parade than to do armskote.

At least now I have more things to do, 2 thick books to finish. Haven't read for so long, it almost made me puke and my eyes hurt after reading for a while. Damn.

Damn and my dinner turned cold.

Switched on comp, switched on EQ2 to check my trader, food on the chair beside my mattress, and I proceeded to fall asleep. Mom tried to wake me up a couple of times, but damn, no motivation to get up.

Sleep and sleep, food turned cold, vitamin C drink turned stale.

Feeling ups and downs for no apparent reason, I think.

There's this name that pops up once in a while on the MSN, I can't remember who he is, I can't figure out who is that guy in his display pic, I can't bring myself to ask... Hey, who are you again?

There're so many people whom i've not seen for so long! Surprisingly there are people who I really hope to meet up with again, just to say, "Hey, it's been a while." We must have another JC class outing again!

2006-01-10T01:01:00.000+08:00

I'm literally keyboarding all my thoughts down right now, and I ain't stopping yet.

I wish I can stay in the hostel, even for just a semester.

Can you imagine? A room with a few computers, a room with a few computers your gaming friends, a room with a few computers with your gaming friends ALL PLAYING EQ2! Omfgwtf.

It's like, when I see an add coming, I don't have to, "/g Roamer behind ya Xelrr!".

It'll be like, "THERE'S A FUCKING SG COMING BEHIND YOU YN, GET OVER HERE!"

It's like, when someone do something stupid, we won't have to, "/g God dammnit dude, stop sleeping and WAKE THE FUCK UP."

It'll be like, grabbing any nearby hard object, and throw it directly across to his head.

It's like, when someone goes for toilet break or something, we don't have to, "/g Dude you back yet? You fell asleep? Did the storm hit your connection?"

It'll be like, *look at his seat*, and think "Oh he's not back yet", and wait on.

Dammnit.

All of a sudden, a bad grouping experience came into my mind.

I am a conjuror, a DPS class. If the tank sucks, i'm gonna get hit, hard. For the love of all that's holy, I wear cloth.

There was this healer who apparently thought that it was more mana-efficient to ress than heal me. Tank was at like almost full hp, my hp was dropping fast, and I waited. And waited.

Then I dropped.

At least his ress came quick, felt almost like as if he was just resting his cursor on ressurection, and waiting for me to just drop dead. Maybe he's just jealous of folks who can deal any sort of damage, while he has trouble scratching a snow bunny.

Maybe I have bad aggro control, but why only with this one tank?

Damn.

3 and a half more levels to 60, but i'm so unmotivated to go on. Dammnit, grinding is just sick.

I can barely keep my eyes open, time for some sleep, and damn. Tomorrow's gonna suck, solo shopping blows.

2006-01-10T00:25:00.000+08:00

Oh yeah, I suddenly remembered.

Ahhhhh I so long for the days where i'll just be studying day and night on the subject I love. I'll still sit in front of my comp all day, but for a meaningful purpose now!

It'll have the same effect as playing EQ2, the same effect as drinking, the same effect as sleeping, but it's a whole shit load more constructive! Woot.

And when I start working, omg i'll continue working all day and night, it'll have the same effect as the ones i've mentioned above, and it's for a EVEN MORE meaningful purpose! Omfg!

Yeah sounds like a plan! Now I just needa get outta this army thing.

And if I ever manage to finish all my studying/work, i'll probably try to start up a mud or something. Doesn't even have to put it online, it just have to be something for me to work on... OMG!

Talk about a future, even if it's dull and boring and shit, but at least I know i'll enjoy it. And I don't have to learn how to get a *life* ! Woot!

I feel like a winner.

2006-01-09T23:32:00.000+08:00

It's starting to be a little...

Worrying.

One year later....

One year later i'll be out of this life that i'm very much used to already.

I'll be... Moving to a place where I can't wear the same clothes everyday.

On the brighter side though, i'll at last be able to study what I have the passion for... Yesh!

It's good to know that even if I have to tear my hair out, watch them grow white overnight, i'll still go on with the undying fire in my heart... Yesh!

If I can afford it, and the passion burns on, i'll love to hit PhD for the comps. Probably a dream, but something to work towards to.

I can imagine myself doing the comp assignments/tutorials and stuff, especially programming overnight, refusing to sleep till I get this part done, if the compiler dosesn't cooperate, i'll stay up till it does. Thinking about that makes me excited, damn.

If I do successfully become a programmer, I can imagine myself as a work-alcholic, damn I can't spell for shit. I'll stay in the office overnight to get this portion of the software done, and probably sleep at my keyboard, get up the next morning and continue battling with the damn code. Dammnit it's making me excited.

Well, before I got into JC, I was like... Ooooo I must really study hard, since I screwed up pretty bad for my 'O's. And I did, but only for computing hah. I'm so lazy, and passion is all that drives me.

Physics suck, so god damn hard, looking at the TYS and shit makes me sick in the head, body and soul.

But I can't say how much, I can't ever say how god damn much i'm glad, that I passed Physics for 'A's yay!

I was pretty worried about it, plus I hate it SO, and I mean so god damn much.

When I sat down in front of dear Mr.Lotfi, he said something like, "Hmm it's all decent, except for physics."

Omfg x 50000.

I was like, OMFG, my worst nightmare, i'm so fucking screwed!

But phew, phew x 100000000.

Barely made it with an 'E'. Yes that's almost as good as an 'F', but at least I passed the nightmare subject.

I was actually worried about Computing as well, I was afraid that I might let myself down, I really won't have settled for anything than the grade that I aimed for. And I was glad it turned out good. I would have felt worse if I missed my target for computing, than if I failed my physics.

Math... Oh well, was hoping for a grade better at least, but it's all good.

'A's was where I truly felt "You reap what you sow."

In order of amount of effort put in, from most to least :

Comp -> Math -> Phy

And of course, results went

Comp -> Math -> Phy

It all went almost exactly as I thought they would, considering how I split time for each.

God dammnit, I hate Physics, with ALL MY SOUL.

I don't know what to say about General Paper, well, it's all luck sometimes.

I'm outta things to say for now.

2006-01-09T22:10:00.000+08:00

They call it....

Mood swing.

Now i'm feeling all down again, jeeze.

I've been drinking these couple of days, even though i'm in camp and shit. Damn.

And for the wrong reasons too. God damn.

I'm suffering from burn out... I can't have the motivation go out there and grind out those vitality... Maybe a conjuror is too boring.

Wo Hao Lei Ah! Staying sane is almost a struggle.

2006-01-08T10:46:00.000+08:00

It's CoG day!

That sucks.

To make things worse, my partner is on off tomorrow...

That means...

I'll have to book in today by 1pm, send the guardsman off, probably play table tennis with one of my closer friends, wait for their return, have dinner outside.

AND, worst thing is I gotta stay in camp, since tomorrow i'll have to open the armory.

Omg.

Oh well, at least I have the friend to keep me company.

So many parades, and I gotta do the next CoG... /sigh

We used to think... Woah it's cool marching down orchard road, wearing that Number 1, rifle in hand and all.

But no, I changed my mind completely after i've done it for the first time... My arm went all numb carrying that damn thing for so long! I was so worried that I couldn't do the drills properly with a numb arm, but it all went decent.

I was unfortunately standing in the front row, but I didn't feel nervous like I thought I would. With all the people watching, I thought i'll be too afraid to screw up, and eventually screw up. But oh well, guess with NDP and SAF day and all, i'm kinda used to it.

When can I stop mounting parades... New birds please come in soon! Take over my spot in the parades haha, but damn, new people coming in = lots of work to be done, and i'm lazy.

IPPT is coming! I'm supposed to take the second one of Feb, i'm worried yet lazy to do anything, /sigh.

Haven't ran forever, like more than a month. I'm growing fatter and fatter argh, I needa stop playing EQ2 =(

Sometimes I wish, something can just happen to my comp... Something that I won't be able to fix, so I won't try.

Maybe my sis can come in and smash up my monitor? Fill my CPU with water and let it fry? Well, then i'll start doing things I wanted to do...

Start working out, stay healthy hah! I'll hate to grow fatter.
Start learning IT stuff from books, read Dilbert!
Go out more, with family especially. Mom always say we're too distant, and I feel the same.
Go out more, with friends, make new friends, know more people, have fun without having to sit in front of this damn machine.
Pick up a sport(OMG!), well I played table tennis for sometime in company mess, and it was fun, though i'm still learning.

I'm always so god damn passive, waiting for something to happen before i'll do anything... But I can't help but to feel that it's a little late to start having a *life* right now, or in fact, it's learning to have a life.

I'm craving to drink again, oh no. But the reason is different now. Now I wanna drink simply because it tastes good, and not to just take my mind away. Can't say if that's a good thing, but... Damn I just need people to go drinking with me.

I'm writing so much, this wierd force that keeps my finger going, it's... Odd. Oh well, whinebox seemes to be deprived of attention lately anyway.

New year eve was... Amazing.

Went to pubbing for the first time... Went to the upper storey and sheesh, I could barely breath with all the smoke in the air, came down as soon as I could. First time tried drinking those Chivas, or whatever, mixed with sprite and all. And Vodka lime, that was nice too.

Took a couple of puffs from a friend's cigg, curious and all, but no, i've not picked it up. Simply because... It didn't feel great, or even good. Inhale, hmm okay smoke's going in, but it's odourless, tasteless, feels the same as oxygen. I was told to breath them out through my nose, I tried but nothing came out! Damn.

Well, upon questions, I was told I didn't know the proper way to do it. And naturally he won't tell me how... Even my guildmates won't, oh well. I hate to be the only *kid* in my guild, where everyone is at least in the 30s.

The other day, was having dinner near camp with one of my friends. Something on the cigg shelf caught my eye. And wtf, it was like, raw... Whatever they put in ciggs. So my friend said they're supposed to like, roll those shit up themselves, smoke it DIY style.

And I was told it's worse that way, since normal ciggs have got built-in filters? So yeah, great job fuckers, you just introduced another way to kill people more efficiently.

Oh jeeze, I can't even recall who I ate dinner with that day, my brain is so screwed up.

Class 2B guys are coming back this Wed, or Thurs? Well, that's really good to know, since my old friend is in there, and he's always one person to talk to.

Seems that sometimes, somethings can take a long time to learn. A year? Yeah about there.

It's raining again, rained last night, rained now. If it rains later, well, all my rifles are gonna rust.

Mom just called.

She called to say why she's yet to return from buying food. Queued for 20 minutes, then the prata man said he doesn't have change for a 50, so she went around, bought some stuff, and queued again. And finally got it. I thought she'll just buy something else, but queued and waited just because I wanted to eat it.

Damn, touched to say the least.

Maybe I should just fry the CPU myself.

Time to wash up and all, booking in soon.

Won't be back till Monday night, Oh Well!

2006-01-08T01:05:00.000+08:00

And oh, Mr. Park Ranger, just in case you drop by again, I just wanna say I looked over your blog, I must say..

You go bro! It's great to see that you love your work and take great pride in it. Way too many people are working for the sake of working. And park rangers are quite a new concept to me, barely any real parks around where I am.

I wish I can put down a comment, but I couldn't quite figure out how.

Rock on Ranger!

2006-01-07T23:55:00.000+08:00

It's 7 days since the beginning of this new year.

Last year, and a little 2004, were alot of mixed feelings here and there.

Just feel so good to know that somethings never meant anything, good to know.

At least now i'm moving again.

So....

I'm halfway through, another half to go.

University will be a challenge, i'm almost not looking forward to it.

Hmm a little recap.

Did my 'A's, worried about this and that, went into army. Army was worrying enough, having more to worry about was uncalled for. And couldn't quite stop worrying... Until now.

Well anyway, vividly recall first day of Tekong. We were given our first dose of regimentation with some old guy insisting that we respond to his questions with "YES/NO SERGEANT MAJOR". It was funny at that point, for a few minutes.

It was unimaginable.

I'm like so totally... Anti-social, geeky, nerdy, stuck-to-my-computer, never-joined-a-uniform-group, and yeah, basically so completely un-army.

Okay maybe the never-joined-a-uniform-group part doesn't fit, I was in scouts during Sec 1 for maybe... 1 week? God I HATED IT, geeze. And no, I didn't WANT to join, I was forced by the school system.

Went back to good ol' computer club.

Anyway, having to carry my own bag, and the army bag up to fifth floor... God that was almost memorable.

But I was fortunate. My company can't be compared to the others in my cluster, sheesh those are sadistic.

Communal, hmm that the right spelling? In any case, communal living, was alien and sounded very difficult.

Well, it was a nice change, for once in my life I didn't feel so lonely. Had people to talk to in the middle of the night, knowing that there are in fact people around. I weren't alone, omg!

I never had too many friends, or should I say, I have way too few friends. Army gave me the impression that I have many friends, and it was good.

Then I PoPed.

Stepped into the new camp, a friend's saying kept ringing in my mind...

"Donn'''ttt bbbeeee iiinnnnnn thhhheeee dddrrilllll sqqquuuadddddddd......."

And that's exactly where I end up.

I UTTERLY LOATHED drills, that's one of the main reasons why I left scouts. But now that i'm doing it at a professional level, it's fun after all!

Training was rough, but at least I didn't have to sleep in some shit-infested jungles.

My bunkmates were interesting, and very beautiful people, to a certain degree.

Except for my buddy, geeze hah.

But now...

I'm all alone again.

Everyone is training, i'm sitting around doing my own stuff. Even at night, although there's one other person around, but we don't talk, and it feels like i'm sleeping alone.

I wish there are people who I can take my phone and just message, or even better, call.

I wish there are special people who will never see me as a bother, and I won't feel that they're seeing me as a bother.

I wish there's someone who I can say everything to, a shoulder for me to cry on.

I wish there's someone who I can be really really close to, someone really special, someone that isn't metallical, with a monitor, speakers and CPU.

I know, I wish for way too much.

But...

That's all I can do.

There're so many GoHs coming, sigh.

Why do I still have to be involved?

This year will probably pass really slow... Nothing much to look forward to.

Last year was almost too happening, everything changed again and again.

It's late, cold night as usual.

I'm tired.

2006-01-07T23:51:00.000+08:00

Hmmmm....

The human mind, the human brain, wierd indeed.

Read a whole lot of well, text, that made me feel alot better.

Maybe what my old friend was right, to certain extents.

It kinda like marks this sign on the second that just passed.

Reads something like...

Moved on.

2006-01-07T23:11:00.000+08:00

Saw something that made me felt an instant wave of... Relief.

May seem like... Dude, that's nothing.

But well... I felt glad.

At the very least, looked like things have changed for the better quite a bit, putting on specs... It's magical.

Whatever the magic was... Thank you.

Let it last this time, let it last forever.

God bless, may it be good, stay good, for now and forever.

2006-01-07T20:12:00.000+08:00

暧昧

暧昧让人受尽委屈
找不到相爱的证据
何时该前进
何时该放弃
连拥抱都没有勇气

只能陪你到这里
毕竟有些事不可以
超过了友情还不到爱情
远方就要下雨的风景
到底该不该哭泣
想太多是我还是你
我很不服气也开始怀疑
眼前的人是不是同一个真实的你

暧昧让人受尽委屈
找不到相爱的证据
何时该前进
何时该放弃
连拥抱都没有勇气
暧昧让人变得贪心
直到等待失去意义
无奈我和你
写不出结局
放遗憾的美丽
停在这里

Gotta be able to read Chinese characters to read the lyrics above, I think.

Reminds me of ages long past, although it feels like just yesterday, or maybe the day before.

Just a few days back, one of my close yet doesn't seem so close old friend, said things I didn't want to hear.

Please...

Please let my impression, let my memories be untainted... They're the only few things that I have now.

Regardless of the truth, regardless of whatever "false" impressions I may have...

Everything in my heart is perfect, let it stay that way.

This song is telling me that I need a drink...

Hopefully i'll get some really soon.

2006-01-05T23:56:00.000+08:00

I think over these years, adapting was pretty much a requirement to stay sane.

If we could just exchange shoes for a day, then i'm sure you'll understand the depth of my flaws... You can kick truckload of sand in, but it'll never fill up.

Only a year ago then I understood... Though a little late... Accept him/her for who he/she is, not who you want him/her to be.

May sound like a silly excuse, but it's just plain impossible to understand unless you get into my mind...

Moving on to different stages of life, the changes involved are made because they are necessary.

Such are not the ones i'm talking about...

I'm talking about...

Now, i'm in the god damn army.

Stop trying to *improve* my image, geeze.

Even if I bought all the nicest clothes, i'll still look exactly the same.

When I hit Uni, i'll probably get a couple more shirts.

But not now, and that's exactly what i'm saying.

I'm on my comp almost all the time, but no, I can't go out and play basketball, soccer, and whatever people do so they can say, "Hey dude, I have a LIFE!".

So why don't I just force myself outta the damn door, and stop whinning?

That is..

Allow me to be a little louder...

So..

SO GOD DAMN EASY... For others to say.

Trying new things can be really difficult for some people...

And to quote from a couple posts back...

"I don't see a reason to change.", reason meaning, well... Anyway, i'm not saying I think i'm all perfect, ubah, 1337, that I don't see why i'll needa improve and make myself a better person.

I'm saying I don't see a reason why I needa burn notes on clothes, shoes and shit.

Why must it be that when I wear my dear SAF shoes out, you have so god damn much things to say?

Will buying new shoes, clothes, going out and play some sports, make me a better person? Make the world a little safer?

Does that mean i'll wear crap to a job interview? No.

Does that mean i'll wear crap that i'm comfortable in when we go out? Hell yes.

So you say how my *image* now will affect so many things omg.

How i'll like, never find a girlfriend if I continue wearing what i'm wearing now, staying the life that i'm living now.

Can't you see that i've pretty much given up hopes on that? What you can do on your part now, is to give me a damn break.

So yeah, tell me how i'll not survive when I start working, how i'll stay alone all my life, and pretty much how i'm a living corpse with zero fashion sense.

Thinking about the past, now the only possible *reason* in my mind seems to be weakening...

And erm, if you're gonna say anything like... Then stop whinning!!

Then i'll say something like...

1) This is a whinebox.
2) Unless i'm
2a - Pointing a gun to your head, forcing you to read my shit.
or
2b - Calling you up all day whinning about all these crap.

THIS IS ONE OF THE ONLY PLACES I CAN WHINE, TO LET IT OUT, AND NOT CAUSE BOTHER
TO OTHERS.

It's late, I was supposed to write something about how 2005 just passed, but instead saw a comment on one of my last posts and decide to well erm, respond. Some of this post is not directed to you though friend, but to one other who always go on about how I shouldn't wear SAF shoes out.

Did I mention it's late?

Probably write another one tomorrow.

Another cold night, brrrrrrrrrr.

2005-12-25T19:44:00.000+08:00

Christmas Eve this year... Probably the first time I didn't quite spend it alone.

Early in the morning, I was rudely awaken from folks in my camp... Almost had to book back in, geeze.

Then went to SLS with Jia Wei, saw a couple of really sweet ladies.

Went back home to eat turkey dinner, pretty decent.

Went out again to meet a long-time-no-see BMT platoon mate, went to orchard, did nothing but chat from like, 10pm to 5am.

I almost hate festive seasons now, except for the holidays.

Loneliness strike the hardest on days like these...

I'm so tired.

2005-12-17T23:55:00.000+08:00

Why... Are some things so difficult for me?

To some other folks, it may LITERALLY be as simple as... Taking a step forward, or raising up his hand, or even saying "Hey folks, i'm not a retard!".

For me though... It's so much more difficult than most can imagine.

I'm so god damn resistant to changes that I can choose to avoid.

Mainly because...

I don't see a reason to change.

Changing one's character and life-style, is a long and difficult process.

Probably comparable to quitting smoking, or maybe even more difficult.

Can't say much about that, haven't got a chance to try and quit something I have yet to pick up.

Until that reason comes...

I'll like to just stay the way I am, no matter how screwed up life is right now.

2005-12-10T13:19:00.001+08:00

It has been...

365 days.

365 days ago, it was the first time I stepped into Tekong.

Time flies like fleeting clouds.

A year isn't too long, but it felt like I had been flooded with new experiences.

364 days to ORD...

May it all go well.

2005-12-07T23:10:00.000+08:00

Can you sense what i'm about to keyboard down?

Can you guess why, here I sit waiting like a complete retard?

No wait, complete retard is probably overused, it's more like a... I don't know, how I feel about my wretched self is beyond words.

Is it so god damn difficult to just send a greeting?

Yes.

It can be so fucking difficult for me... Although I know it's wrong, IT SHOULDN'T BE THIS WAY.

I can't get over myself, no.

Technology gave us computers, the internet so losers like your sincerely can use it to actually say something to someone we always wanted to.

Woah! There actually exist people who are so utterly deprived of guts and so deserve to be repeatedly shot?

Here's a news flash.

Some folks can.... Omg yup, they can still be afraid after all these innovations pushing them on.

Die please, fucking die.

And after the name gets off the list, then you feel a sense of lost, hopelessness.

FFS DUDE ROT IN HELL.

I'm so tired, so so tired.

So tired of myself, so sick of thinking...

Why me? Why must I be that one in a million complete fucking retard?

2005-12-04T23:23:00.000+08:00

Just finished Change of Guards a few hours ago, being the New Guards was one seriously tiring experience.

Tons of people all over, but the Pride and Honor thing, I didn't feel much. Gets old way too fast.

Was looking through my "Favorites" at the top of your screen, came across this site.

http://www.seika.org/anime/xjapan/index.html

Been in my browser for over a year now, I can't quite remember if those were the right ones... But I can clearly recall why I know about that site at all.

I don't know, I don't know why all it did was sit in my favorites folder, and not printed and given away.

I was a disappointment, i'm sorry.

I can't remember why, but I can guess.... /sigh

When will all these become mere memories?

2005-11-22T23:10:00.000+08:00

It's really odd, utterly ridiculous.

I know, all too well that this is stupid, screwed up and plain wrong,

but I still do it anyway.

Even when i'm doing it, I know it's wrong, I know it's god damn retarded,

but I still do it anyway.

Jeeze...

I know that what I *think* may happen, has over 95% chance of NOT happening.
I know that i'm thinking way too much, and way too much like a tard.

But I still do all the shit anyway.

Even if I could turn back time, I know i'll do the same thing again, simply because... Fuck, I don't know why.

I'm so afraid i'll never change, all the things that may have happened that did not... The future... OMG!

I... Can't help thinking so much.
I... Can't even defend myself, because I know this is all plain stupid.

I'm so afraid, that you may think what I think you're thinking.
If that's so, then no, it's not what you're thinking, it's just my retarded-ness.

If it seems that i'm moving away, it's actually I do not know how to get closer...

I've learnt though, but apparently learning doesn't help too much, I still can't stop thinking so much.

My character is... Utterly fucked up and twisted, it's impossible to understand, even I don't...

I'm sorry, no matter how my actions contradict my feelings... I just want to say... I've never left.

It's been a while, a 365 days kind of while, I know many things were carried really really far away and behind by the wind, but another of my flaws is taking a longer while to put certain things behind.

Why...

Why am I such a fucktard?

2005-11-16T22:59:00.000+08:00

Time flies.

Almost a year now, one more month.

Wtf?

Soon NS life will go past, Uni life will start, everything will change again...

God.

I'm not very.... Adaptive, or however you spell it.

Primary school -> Secondary school
Secondary school -> JC
JC -> NS
NS -> Uni

Not to mention the countless changes in each of them.

And as the years go by, I discover more and more flaws of myself!!

I didn't realise this until when I had to choose a size for my peak cap... I had to wear the LARGEST size! Omfg.

When I asked... "Is there a bigger size than this?" I got something like "Eh? Anything bigger will be for aliens."

That was long ago, but I only felt the urge to keyboard it down now....

Big head with a small brain, omg imagine all the empty spaces! *Kong Kong*

Not to mention the visual aspect... /Sigh x 500, is there a skull-shrinking surgery or something? Need to add that to my ever-growing list of operations needed.

On another note...

Somethings feel like yesterday, although it's been like, a year or so now.

I wonder... All these times... How some things changed over the year.

How are you doing now?

I'm a tard, am I not? Writing it here...

But if you read a couple or so posts back, you'll understand!

I always thought it was amazing, and most certainly feels like the chance of meeting was... One in a gazillion.

It happened, if not for some decisions made here and there that led us to where we first met.

Astonishing, how fated, and fateless, sometimes we can get.

Why is it that, now I can no longer rely on fate in hopes to see you again?

You Yuan Qian Li Lai Xiang Hui, Wu Yuan Dui Mian Bu Xiang Shi.

Why must both ends of the saying occur just next to each other?

I'm so tired, why am I so god damn old, but is still a freaking NOOB!?

Even "Newbie" is a complement now... NOOB, much like DROOD, or was it DOOD.

2005-11-11T20:26:00.000+08:00

At last, at long freaking last.

I've finally cleared my IPPT! And my 2.4 timing was a pleasant surprise, although I ran till I could barely speak... Just really glad I could get past the damn broad jump shit.

And passed my drill test at long last! Now i'm embracing a stay out and sleep-in-bunk life, yeah!

And i'm starting to clear my leaves now, lots of time!

Too much time spent not doing anything, too much time to think.

Recalled how my mom used to say before I enlisted... You're so gonna die in the army, there will be like, no computers there!

I agreed, unfortunately.

But i'm still here, alive and kicking, and I guess I understood why i'm not dead yet.

I'm addicted not to my dearest comp, not to beer, but to something that can take my mind away.

Army was good, at first and until recently. Lots of shit to do, it was almost like playing 24 hours of my dearest comp.

I'm sick of drinking now... At least for now...

But i'm afraid i'll... Progress.

There are some people though, who i'll never want to let down.

Life is a struggle, isn't it?

2005-11-03T23:18:00.000+08:00

There's always a time reserved just for looking back...

There's always something, that will sometimes just pop out of nowhere, just to say "Hey, it's time to think about the past."

I'm always... Worried...

Worried that you may not be interested in chatting with me, that I may be bothering you, that you really just want me to get lost.

I'm always... Afraid...

Afraid that I may get on your nerves, afraid of how you may react, afraid of how you will think.

Even when we're miles away, even when probably the worst i'll see, are vulgarities flying across my screen...

Even when I can just shut off the window if things go wrong, even if I can just walk away *just like that* from the chat window...

I'm still worried... I'm still afraid...

I still can't bear to see myself come face to face with the terror... Your response..

I wish I can have the courage to just... Find out... To take the risk of making your blood boil...

But jeeze...

I know better than anybody else...

I'm not even remotely worthy.

I wish...

I wish I have the talent, the ability to talk you out of all the bad things in the world, the magic to make you smile, to make you laugh.

I feel so... Helpless... So utterly useless...

I'm glad he was there then, really really glad.

Relieved and my heart smiles with your laughters, but he can't be there forever.

I apologize for my newbie-ness, way too many things I do not know.

My fatal flaws in every department...

I pray for your understanding...

It is neither that I do not care, nor that you are no longer important.

It's because I know...

I'm not even remotely worthy.

Sometimes somethings can be exceedingly difficult to understand...

When you're not in this wretched shell.

Feelings...

Even if I don't put it down in words...

Will you understand?

2005-10-16T23:48:00.000+08:00

Tomorrow's a new beginning...

God damn it, time flies.

Hope everything will go smooth, armskote life will be pretty neat.

Saw some people that I haven't seen for a long while.

The parting made me think about something...

For how much longer will we remember one another?

Hmmm, and somebody's sister is pretty cute!

2005-10-16T01:13:00.000+08:00

I've finally, at long last, 7 months later, passed out.

I'm drunk, and i'm not at my own home.

I'm afraid, really afraid.

But I must be strong.

It's difficult... But...

Damn.

Maybe a more sane post when i'm sober.

2005-10-02T12:12:00.000+08:00

Tekong trip was shorter than I imagined, time flew by, booked out in a blink.

Wasn't fun, but at least I got to eat some combat rations.

Shopped alone yesterday, something I wish I can do without much hesitation, was a good start. Now I just need to get used to it.

If I can ever progress to watching a movie alone, seriously, for once I can say, I WIN!

Mom was saying, when you get to Uni, it'll be one of the best four years of your life... It was pretty logical, free from NS... Almost any other sort of life is better.

Until she said something along the lines of, "Find a girlfriend when you're in Uni, life will be great then." Then I was about to say.. "Please refer to the post I made a while ago."

Once again i'm gonna let her down, but oh well, at least in this case, I can safely say it isn't my fault.

Reminds me of some tv drama serials that have folks who are in the mid 20s to maybe mid 30s, still single and their parents are always nagging and nagging.

When will she come to her senses?

2005-09-25T19:48:00.000+08:00

Time flew by, as usual.

3 more weeks, just 3 more.

Saying hi again to Tekong this Wednesday, been a while.

Friendster's more powerful than I thought, saw some photos of people I haven't seen for years, still as beautiful as before though, regardless of what others may say.

Time flies, people change....

Change so much.

While some stayed the same, unaffected at all, by the years.

At last memories seemed to show some meaning and value, but i'm afraid it's a little too late now.

As much as I hate changes, wish it could have come years back, back when I was in primary school.

Treasure and cherish your time now, some may say.

Didn't mean shit before, but now I don't need anyone else to tell me... Though it's years late.

Wonder if it's NS, but looking at the past...

Wtf have I been doing all the time?

Why is it that all the time I have been sitting here, staring at this screen, when beautiful things would have happened outside, that would have been a beautiful childhood memory.

Primary school i've go...

Why is it that I have to be forced by a very unique secondary school teacher to unmessify my hair? Forced to buy a comb, dragged to the toilet, used some of a friend's hair gel which he wasn't exactly willing to really part with, spent the rest of the day afraid to even lift my head up, but fortunately managed to live with it soon after.

Why is it that i've always thought I know, able to sense and understand, *hinted* by once total strangers, but still acted like a dork? When chances surface, when it could have been sweet and memories never forgettable, you rush forward, unaware of what's lagging behind, leaving priceless treasures in your trail.

Secondary school i've let fly...

What happened after didn't feel as amazing as before, college seemed less meaningful, although it made me experience first sight, but still... I didn't feel I missed much of college.

Junior college i've not much memories of...

What may come from now on... I don't know, but doesn't appears to be able to mean anywhere near the past.

Time flies, much like all are gone, all are way too late.

2005-09-11T20:09:00.000+08:00

A mail came to the post office but I didn't have time to pick it out. Mom will do it for me tomorrow, won't be able to see it till Friday night though.

Had GPMP live firing today in the morning, booked out at 1pm or so. Dragged to IMM for lunch by my parents, which I then proceeded to drink, and got drunk. Slept till like 8pm then.

So I guess this year was a little special, fired a machine gun, spent a quarter of the day not at home, and.. Well... The rest are pretty much the same.

Received a greeting from Sab, which was quite a surprise. Oh yeah, something different again this year, someone to chat with for a while. She got a puppy as gifts, damn maybe I should keep some too, before I go insane.

And hopefully now mom SEES that what she had always imagined are just dog shit. And stop asking questions that make my heart oozes blood.

Some thoughts are more and more reassured. I wish I can just put everything down, and say, "No this isn't right, time to start over."

Oddly enough, I don't even feel like tearing up anymore, even if I try. Maybe i'm used to it... Which then I imagine myself as an outsider, looking at myself, jaws on the floor, and say something like, "Dude, you need to restart."

I can imagine the coming years will be difficult, fighting to stay sane while reality crashes down hard on me. Which led me to seriously consider keeping a pet, which then it'll be all the company I need. Shit to everything else.

I'm afraid... I'm afraid I won't be able to cope... Destiny has pushed me against human instincts, which is insanely cruel. But then again, at least many things I do not have to worry about. And I recall someone saying... How about those who get both? Oh well, fairness doesn't exactly exist.

I struggle to understand, is it really stats allocation or something bad, really bad I did last life. Soon i'll grow old and decades will be wasted.

Well on the positive side... At least I have my family and my comp. Even if someday my family leaves, i'll still have my comp... *Hugs the comp*, my best friend of all times.

And at last a photo with myself in it, and i'm not utterly ashamed to show it around. Not that i'm not longer looking hideous, but when I was doing what I did in the photo, with the MP song playing and slow marching across the parade square... Pride for once.

Link -> SAF Day

2005-09-03T20:50:00.000+08:00

I get to spend Twin-Towers-Coming-Down day in camp.

At first I was thinking, oh what luck.

Then again, at least i'm spending it a little different from the other years, at least this time I won't be sitting in my room the entire day.

Been a week, 6 more to go... And life will change once more.

Things couldn't have been more unstable, posted here and there, been almost a year and we haven't quite "settled" in yet.

Sometimes I feel i've let my parents down, every year when this day is coming, i'll think about these.

I am so... Not what she thinks I am. I kinda want to just yell in her face, saying something like... "You don't know me at all, how do I put it across to you that your son is a god damn forsaken retard. All the crap you made me to believe over these years are absolute bullcrap. You know what's worse than growing up being told that i'm hideous, stupid, anti-social, can't-speak-straight-for-shit, and pretty much won't be able to survive too long, is being told the opposite, AND growing up to FIND OUT FOR MYSELF that i'm basically what I mentioned above."

Not that i'm blaming her or something, but I do wish she could be a little more truthful. Reality is cruel, masking it with lies doesn't help too long, for time will pass and i'll grow to only find out for myself.

Do you fear that your child will be inferior, have a low self-esteem if he knows that he's crappy? Then tell him the truth for the love of all that's holy. He'll have to learn to DEAL WITH IT from young, hiding it from him, covering it up with your pesky lies will only make things a whole lot worse.

"Hey my son, you are well erm... Born to be a little.. Special. You'll have few, if any, friends. You'll never get a date, you'll struggle in life, especially when work starts. You'll be classified under "Geek, Nerd, and all that's a waste of resource" category. So here's some money for your plastic surgery, and while you're at it, get a brain transplant as well."

Telling him shit so YOU can escape reality is bad, selfish and down right... Illegal.
How much chances can he hope to face his pathetic self when even you can't. It's your extreme misfortune to have given birth to a hideous tard, but still...

Learn to deal with it the RIGHT way.

When he grows a little too old to change, and what makes it worse is a characteristic of such tards is being RESISTANT to change... He's utterly completely totally screwed over.

I ponder sometimes, what in the name of... I don't know, a packet of milo? Have I done wrong in the last life. Probably stats allocation. It's like.. You have

Charisma
Strength
Stamina
Intelligence
Wisdom
*Secret-stat

*Note, Secret-stat is an attribute still in development, thus we STRONGLY DISCOURAGE placing any points in there. Do so at your own risk.

You have 25 points left.

So i've like, apparently with God-like intelligence, placed all 25 points into the oh-so-cool Secret-stat.

So the code for Secret-stat is actually something like

All-other-stats -= 100000;

It didn't just kill the cat this time, it ruined decades of life.

I'm slightly worried sometimes, that my heart will grow weak and i'll be caught up with some kind of heart disease soon. My thoughts usually literally get transformed into really tight clutches on my heart. It hurts so much i'm afraid it'll deal some real permanent damage. Hah, thinking how I always thought that's why I have shit for stamina, and can't pass my 2.4 run.

I feel tonight i've whined more than all these years added together.

I'm tired, whenever I need strength and courage to go on, I don't know how, apparently I rip them out of thin air. I don't know if that's supposed to be fortunate or not.

Why?

2005-08-24T18:35:00.000+08:00

Sometimes...

A simple sentence, can mean so much different when you read it today, and again tomorrow.

If I have a shotgun, i'll blow off my head right about now.

I want to stand before vast oceans, scream my nuts off and see the dramatic explosive effects.

I was so afraid, thought so unnecessarily much.

I want a brain enlargement, SO I WOULD HAVE KNOWN TO TAKE JUST ANOTHER SECOND, RE-READ, UNDERSTOOD, AND DO WHAT WAS NECESSARY. OMFG, like, OH MY FUCKING GOD.

I, Am, Such, A, Complete, Fucking, Retard.

Maybe ultimately I do deserve all these shit.

Destiny, fate, this, that, and yup, my own fucking self.

Eat a dick dude, seriously. Burn in hell, burn in shit holes, ROT YOU MAGGOT-INFESTED SON OF A... Fuck, lets keep my mom out of this.

I can't turn back time, I can't do shit now.

I need my beer.

Blown up once like this before and it was for almost the same fucking reason.

I can't remotely even begin to think anywhere on the positive side, think how it may not be that bad after all.

I changed... I didn't want to.

Right... All the swearing and shit, was calming.

Looks like everything is all good now, can't say how glad I am that at least you are there...

Selfish, yes.

Like i've once told you... If I were him, I would have done the same thing.

If the potential victim is not too close a friend... As long as there's even a slight chance...

It's worth it.

Sink your fangs into my arm, i'm a dick.

2005-08-23T21:17:00.000+08:00

Sudden rush of emotions, times like this i'm glad there's a whinebox for me to keyboard some crap down.

Or maybe it's beyond words, beyond my noobish ability to translate feelings into a language that's understandable...

It's unfortunate how my dearest computer doesn't have a shoulder.

Once I took a test, which I found to be exceedingly accurate, way more than it should, for some checkboxes and a first-question-score+second-question-score+x-question-score=total score kinda thing. But damn, I feel it's pretty damn right.

It's like...

Eh damn, how do I put it? Twist it around, nonsense-lise it so only I would understand?

Sometimes you walk a little faster, in hopes that the time spent not being there, will be minimized. The choices along the way that you make, the number that you choose, is because you expect nothing back.

You walk a little slower now, it's the end of the day, taking your time, looking at the gardens, cars zooming past... Life never felt more amazing.

Some may think it's a little fast, but that's just one of your characteristic, nothing bad, nothing good.

It is pretty damn slow, however. Takes a little too long, takes a little... Forever..
It's always at least a year, sometimes two.

It freaking gets stuck and doesn't come off, distractions may help, but it's difficult to find one that's worth paying attention to.

Soon... It'll be about time.

It's like my gastric, always last for almost exactly 12 hours.

Soon...

Fortune bless... Somethings I can no longer see, no longer know...

Maybe that's the reason why...

God bless.

2005-08-22T19:57:00.000+08:00

Something positive for a while, the reassurance is well, quite reassuring indeed.

Been hoping things will turn out this certain way, and it has indeed. *cheers*

On another note...

Was just looking through the msn chat logs of someone I haven't seen for longer than I would like.

I... Could barely force my eyes down those lines, just like how it was last year, looking through the chat logs of a similar friend.

Sometimes I feel I shouldn't... Keyboard down these words the way I've always been... It doesn't feel real, doesn't feel at home, feels so insanely odd.

Or maybe it's the choice of words, how I chose to string them into a sentence, how I pay special care because it's to someone who, just isn't another friend.

Argh sheesh, all these probably don't matter anymore anyway.

On yet another note...

All these years in my life, many things that were done or not done, I feel were because I thought a little too much.

I would argue and say it's not about a lack of courage, or at the very least, not totally, or even mainly because of my weenie guts.

Because I care a little too much about how you'll feel, think, how you may not like what I am about to do, how you may have already made your stand and I should just piss off.

But i'll never learn...

I feel that because of that i've not done something that... Well, simply put, made me regret.

/sigh

Maybe things would be like in the TVs, everything will be good.

Even if it doesn't totally work out in the end, something really good will result from the process.

Or is destiny inevitable?

I pray and have always been, that things will somehow change to the better for you.

Like, really really way better.

2005-08-19T21:39:00.000+08:00

It's been a while...

Time flies so fast, I feel so old...

So out of time...

Still recall the night where everyone was seated down, it was over a hundred days left to NDP...

Now it's over, even August is coming to an end.

MP basic is gonna be a rough change of pace, but at least it's only 2 months...

Time doesn't slow down, fortunately for once.

I.... Kind of fear Uni life actually.

What if I can't cope with the studies? What if I still don't change? What if all these years of shit are just gonna go on, and stay that way till everything ends?

What if time leaps to my last day, and there I am... Regretting over a life that... How should I put it...

But it's okay... It really is... God dammnit it is... Or maybe not.

Life is so short, I can't help but to feel that mine is even shorter...

It feels like drinks aren't quite enough anymore...

What should I do then?

What if we only live once?

Oh My God seriously, i'm so completely screwed over then.

2005-07-24T23:32:00.000+08:00

I feel so... Old...

So... Detached..

So... Far far away.

I'm almost twenty now...

Time flew by, soon I can no longer call myself a teenager.

Felt like as if... Teenage years passed by, and I just woke up...

It was like as if... All these 18 years i've been sitting in a corner, watching grass grow, the clock tick...

In fact...

I still am, sitting in the corner of my room, staring into this slim black squarish thing.

Soon i'll be 30, 40, 50, 60, dead.

How do I... Put words in such a way that only I can understand?

Getting on the streets once in a while, looking all around...

Looking at the multi-colored-haired guy zooming left and right on his skateboard, looking at the couple holding hands, strolling down the street... Or even the group of sporty young teens kicking this ball all over.

If we only live once, then there's no point in going on.

It feels like... The youth years have passed... The apple is now riped, fell off the tree and is... Well..

Rotting.

It feels like... My extreme inexperience, apparently incredible incompetence, ungodly miscalculated natural qualities... Make somethings way too late to start, way too late to happen, impossible to even imagine.

Although sometimes when the depression hits, you know it's only human to feel like you're missing something, the void stares at you in the face, and you know it's there to stay.

At least... It's comforting to know... Almost two decades have passed, and here you are, still alive.

The human mind is most interesting, just look at how it handle mood swings.

At times you feel like there's little point in anything anymore, the void seems to be growing and devouring you whole...

At other times you feel... You'll live with it, the void is but a close friend, and I mean, at least you still have your comp ya?

At times I wish I can fall into this deep sleep, waking up to find myself much like everybody else... Or never to be awaken... Never to have to struggle through the torments of reflections...

The chill... The cold wind that doesn't stop blowing...

Is it really, destiny?

2005-07-18T21:24:00.000+08:00

Been a while.

Hasn't watched TV for a long time, switched it on on a fine night, sat near itthe whole hour.

Haven't watched a drama serial for a while. Especially a new one, episode 1!

Saw an actress who reminds me of someone from a time long past. Maybe it isn't that long, but it feels like it's been forever.

I... Almost can't recall anymore. All that I can remember is from the TV, from the lovely local actress, from memories I can't find.

It feels odd, I know even if time were to go back, it'll still end up the same as today.

But still...

Time...

Fly me far, far enough to not see what's behind anymore.

Damn TVs.

2005-07-04T20:47:00.000+08:00

At last...

SAF day is over, one major load off my mind.

Now it's just NDP... A month's time will fly.

Thinking back never failed to amaze me...
Time flies so fast, sailed through BMT rather smoothly in a blink, and now i'm in the new unit for 4 months now.

Damn.

One of my bunkmates said, "My mom said if by Uni you still can't find that something to fill the hole, you'll never find it."

Well...

On a more positive note, I guess life is kinda fair in a sense.

You have some things, and you don't have some things.

Nothing much to worry about, as I grew up all these years I must say...
Many things went pretty smoothly, especially during those crucial times...

Guess I should be content with all these I have, and realise somethings will then of course, never come.

But on another hand...

I'll gladly trade, and be like everyone else...

And not be so exceptionally...

Freakish.

2005-06-22T12:28:00.000+08:00

Read something that made me worried...

Even after a while, it's difficult to not care...

Fate and Destiny... Please be kind.

2005-06-19T21:29:00.000+08:00

It's no longer quite a choice between want, or don't want.

It's more like a... Can, or cannot.

Or perhaps it has always been this way, never truely felt it till now.

Probably is.

Try, you may.
Repeatedly fail, you definitely will.

Unsettling... When an unncessary change occurs and you begin trying something new.

Something that didn't quite work out.

If there's anything that will always be there...

It's the panel i'm looking at, and my bed.

Somethings can only be tried once.

2005-05-23T20:51:00.000+08:00

Drank some last night, was quite surprised JJ would accompany me...

Thank you bro =D

Unfortunately there'll always be a reason to drink, always a reason to drift away.

Didn't notice my eyes were red till I looked into the mirror, hope mama didn't notice.

Seemed to be drinking more now that i'm in NS... How odd is that...
Way too many nights off.

Even the stars are darkening, everything is fading away...

If future isn't forcing their way here, then we can safely say it doesn't quite exist.

At least something made me feel relieved and at ease... About time...

2005-05-21T20:32:00.000+08:00

Right...

A primary school classmate just sent me some friendster links of the other classmates...

Time flies like fleeting clouds...

Everything changed, everyone changed... So much...

It's astonishing what time can do...

Some have so drastically changed...
Can barely recall...
Can barely remember...

I was showed a photo of a pretty good looking guy, not to mention a little beng...
Took me almost half an hour to recall who he is...
My jaws dropped to the floor when memories came back...

No damn way.

Oh well, to say the least it has been 7 years...

I'm still recovering from intense shock.

2005-05-10T20:07:00.000+08:00

This is long overdue...

Only after some after thought...

Some AAR ( After Action Review )...

Do I realise...

I've no idea what's right, and what's wrong.

Is change... Really for the better... Just because I think it is?

Why did I not consider his words till recently?

Are you still who you are, after you have changed?
Are you still the one I know, after you're pressured to change?
Have I considered your feelings, when i'm always nagging for you to change?

Maybe somethings, some people are better off staying the way they are...

Maybe I shouldn't have been such a control freak...
Maybe I should have forced myself to care less...
Maybe all that were done are wrong.

Still recall how little freedom I had when I was young...
Parents set countless limits on so many things...
I couldn't understand, I didn't try...

But now I do...
Because even I, was acting very much like them.

How do you put your mind at ease, and be assured that all will be fine,
when you just can't, for the sake of all that's holy, stop worrying?

This hasn't crossed my mind that all may be a mistake, until a night during my BMT...

Maybe i'm like my mom...

An utter paranoid.

Now I understand how difficult it was for her...
Risking our relationship for the sake of my well-being and safety...

Letting go...

Something that i've to wrestle with...
Something that sends my tears flowing.

Right and Wrong...

How do you judge?

2005-05-09T19:28:00.000+08:00

Time flew by.

Like i'm always saying... Faster than I can blink.

Still recall the days before 'A's... The many things that happened.
Still recall the first day stepping into Tekong.
Still recall the fear of "Training to be Soldiers".
Still recall the last day of recruit life, saying goodbye to the island for good.
Still recall the first day stepping into MP camp.
Still recall doing Orientation Drills, and somehow managed to pass the test.
Still recall moving on to Silent Precision Drill Squad (SPDS).
Still recall being told how hell-like the training will be.
Still recall passing the SPDS test, and finishing the Passing Out Parade.

And now here I am, 2 months later...

Preparing for SAF day, praying that I don't have to participate in NDP...

They say donning on number one and marching as Singapore's Number One State Guards is an honor....

I don't know, i'll rather slack.

Hopefully after NDP, when I embark on MP basic course, it'll go smooth and after that...

I'll be posted to something reallllllllly slack.

Somethings kept coming back to me these few days, maybe the trainings are getting less tiring, leaving me with more time to think...

Think about time long past, think about people I shouldn't remember...

Somethings I can't quite forget yet, and as the weekends come, sense of loneliness is utterly overwhelming...

My dearest Computer...

Am I outgrowing you?

Do I now need things that never crossed my mind...

Everything is set in stone now though...

Somethings will never change.

I'll have to live on... Much like all the years past... And well...

Deal with it.

2005-03-27T01:51:00.000+08:00

Thought this day will never come.

All these years my faithful computer has been by my side, keeping me company always. All credits to it, I never felt lonely.

But now...

It doesn't seem quite effective anymore...
It doesn't seem... To kill loneliness as much as I need it to.

Allow me to swear and swear out loud.

God F*cking Damn It.

I've always believed that the computer will keep my mind busy, occupied and away from things I don't want to think about.

Maybe I should keep a pet, maybe I should drink more, or maybe I should just stab myself in the nuts.

And looking at some statistics doesn't help either... I'm staring at a resultant of zero percent chance... Sounds perfectly logical though.

Once again, kind of makes me wonder why some people are just... Different. Different in the most unkind and unfortunate sense. Why did I strike the lottery on this one?

Earlier when I was out, wished that someone special could be there to keep me company, chat with me till dawn... Dreams are really just dreams.

Companionship seemed to have overtaken this metal box... No I can't just sit and watch it happen... I better think up something to snatch the box back its throne.

Whine and whine, how about something that isn't so negative?

On a more positive note though, at least now i'm serving NS, something to keep me busy. If this shit goes on till I ORD... No wait, that result is unthinkable.

But seriously...

Why now?

Why... Me?

2005-01-21T17:28:00.000+08:00

Somethings seemed to have settled down, I feel glad and at ease.

Tomorrow will be the start of the seven days field camp, living in the jungle better be fun...

Half of my PTP/BMT is gone, time flies like fleeting clouds...

Everything fades, everything dies with time...

When the cold wind blows...

2005-01-16T19:07:00.000+08:00

/adopt new_thinking

Couple of bunkmates were staying up late, chatting about one of their problems...

Something struck me then...

You know the kind of advise that were repeatedly given, but just can't seem to sink in...

But one day, you hear the same thing from another person and it *Pop*, goes into your head without much difficulty.

The need to accept wholeheartedly,
understanding the fact that change may be a bad move,
realising that once changed, the person will be *different*,
knowing that *accept* means accepting everything, especially flaws.

There shouldn't be /change here...

It's either /accept or /reject.

2005-01-01T01:38:00.000+08:00

Can you sense it?

I can literally see it.

It gets...

A little more tiring,
A little more saddening,
A little more unbearable.

Reality...

Time for some real face-to-face confrontations...

But it gets old after a while, a long while...

Apparently somethings are destined to stay far away...

Really far.

2004-12-24T22:46:00.000+08:00

Just as I thought...

Didn't miss anything, anyone...

Heartless bastard I am...

But it's all for the better.

2004-12-10T03:11:00.000+08:00

Something's obviously odd...

I'm back to my blog again, what the flying ****...

Is it a sign? A sign that i'll miss the virtual world?

Nah, it means I need some sleep.

2004-12-10T02:32:00.000+08:00

Woah!

I'm back at my beloved computer!

Looking through friendster, looking through some of the
people i'll soon forget...

I saw some updated photos, some clouded memories
flashed past... Forced cloudiness!

At first it was like.... "Omg wtf wtf."
Right click, save as...

Next it was like....
Highlight everything, shift-delete...

Cleared my Seiromem folder in a blink, wtf?
Wiped out photos, chat logs and a list of things
I should remember... Not anymore though!

It's like...
Dropping a rock that you've been holding on forever now...

It's like...
Moving on!

Looking from the Planner's point of view...
Maybe somethings happened to help undo what happened before...
And after that's done, somethings fade away as well...

Now I feel at ease...

Hope it'll last.

Fleeeeeeeeeting clouds, you feel so much like dear old Time!

2004-12-10T01:51:00.000+08:00

I'm sleepy now.

Ooooo yet another night of leaking hopes...

Imagine this chest, unlocked and opened,
turned upside down and put out of the window...

Hopes zoooooooom out of the chest like they've been
trapped for eternity...

But that, however, may be somehow visible still,
under a positive light...

Go go neurologists, or whatever the name is for folks
working on our brains... Work on something to flush
the chemicals hiding at the back, out of the mind mmkay?

The Chinese came up with something similar, have they not?
Oh yeah okay, only on screens and songs.

Memories of a time long past, seemed like yesterday.
Distance of countless miles away, felt so close just days before.

Ahh yes, back to army, of course...

I'm gonna say my last words to EQII yeah!
I'm gonna stop being a chair potato yeah!

I'm gonna get fit and strong etc etc yeah!
I'm gonna wave gooodbyes to memories yeah!

Life's changing overnight...
Chemicals diluted in a blink!

What's a wave-good-bye blog entry without an EQII quote?

May the Winds of Fortune be a cool breeze on my cheeks!
(Yeah the same old one /sigh)

Looking back...

Maybe i'm just kidding myself.

2004-12-09T20:09:00.000+08:00

Last night now...

Mind has been too occupied with other things... Haven't give much thought to tomorrow. Fortunately everything is packed though! Ready to move!

Got something really nice in the mail box today, my most sincere gratitude to the sender!

So I won't be touching my computer 2 weeks at least, in fact I won't even be touching the walls of my home.

But it's all cool, my first long camp!

2004-12-09T13:11:00.000+08:00

Why...

Why am I always so God damn unrealistically hopeful?

Wait..

That sounds a little contradictary(sp)...

My most sincere apologies... Sometimes I can at such a loss for things to say...
Explains my last entry.

Oh well, but his predictions are supposed to be pretty accurate ya?

But I mean... Maybe you do still need some prequsities(sp)...

Maybe you need to wake up.

2004-12-09T01:18:00.000+08:00

Eeeeeeek.

There're sooooo many things I can't do...
There're sooooo many things that are important...

What happens when these 2 types of things cross path?

You get me.

Everytime something similar happens...
Everytime I fail at these sort of things...

I wonder a little more...
I am a little more assured...
Somethings get a little clearer...
Hopes and dreams fall a little further...

On a more positive note though...

My inability may not be such a big deal anyway!
It'll probably not come useful enough to be significant...

I mean...

Will my computer ever need comforting?

2004-12-07T01:02:00.000+08:00

Haven't felt more sick in a while.

Pushed my limits a little too far.

Made a mess out of some public transport, eewwww.

Still feeling pukish now, damn the feeling sucks.

Apparently, i'll rather let my mind wander, than to puke all over the damn place.

I'll rather tear now, than to completely screw somethings up... Damn.

Oh well, optimists(sp) call this an experience...

We all learn from screw ups!

2004-12-06T01:03:00.000+08:00

I didn't get enough drinks today.
My mind wanders when i'm not drunk, and i'm not eqing.

That's bad.

I'll drink tomorrow.

2004-12-05T11:00:00.000+08:00

Wierd sense of oddness these days.

It has come to a point where i've no idea what's wrong, no idea the point of letting time fly past me.

Been out alot these days.

Greatest comfort of life goes out to friends who will actually be out with me, and of course the nice brews. Say hi to pot belly!

I'm pretty much late now, but mom isn't quite back yet.
Damn, apparently I can't spell punctuaility.

Oh phew, so she hasn't bought my food yet...
That pretty much means that I need to start rushing down my block.

May the Winds of Fortune be a cool breeze on your cheeks!
(Shamelessly ripped from EQII)

2004-12-04T02:06:00.000+08:00

Like how the old saying goes...

Time flies like fleeting clouds.
So are feelings, really.

We seem to outgrow things faster than imagination allows, much like my "Leatherfoot Headguard". Damn, need to start looking for new ones.

The military seems to be a nice corner to keep things out of one's mind, and of course transforms you out of recognition.

Nothing to miss anymore, feelings linger not in the heart.

As the Light of Fate guides us through the darkness...

Maybe it's all good...
Maybe it's how things should be...

I kind of have feelings that I won't miss my computer and EQII much, if at all.
I kind of have feelings that I won't miss anything, anyone.
I kind of have feelings that my heart is gone.

Oh well, a new beginning awaits not far from now...
Oh well, a quest that hopefully will level up my maturity and stuff...
Oh well, maybe somethings just won't change, maybe i'll stay the way I am now...

Maybe i'm just out of things to say.

2004-12-03T01:43:00.000+08:00

Dark stormy clouds loom over the night sky, casting shadows over the lonely city. ( Say hi to uncreative, typical starting lines )

It has been a long journey, standing before you now is a fork in the path.
( Say hello to uncreative, typical crossroads )

All you need now, is a sign.
Sign from the highest heavens, sign that dictates your future.
Your life, your Destiny, twists and turns decided right at this fork.

Time... Is running out.
Hope... Belief in Fate grants you strength.
Faith... Takes some will to keep them going.
Patience... You'll wait till the end of time.

May Fate and Destiny shine light upon your soul...
Clearing a path in the dense forest...
Guiding you through the dark mists...
Leading your heart to where it belongs...

Darkness or Light...

Happiness lies on the edge.

2004-12-02T14:37:00.000+08:00

Feels sort of like having Confuse casted on ya, and while attempting to move north, you bang head first on to the south wall.

Feels kind of like having Cage casted on ya, surrounded by bars of steel, you're trapped in this room with nowhere to go, stuck for eternity.

Feels sort of like having Teleport casted on ya, landing in an endless hedge maze, walking and walking, never to escape, never to feel more lost.

Feels kind of like having Enlightenment casted on ya, gaining a sudden surge of experience and wisdom, sudden realisation that past principles are donkey shit.

Feels sort of like having Genious casted on ya, at long last you understand, digest and carve deep into your skull... Knowledge that somethings will never come, somethings you can never have, some people are just meant to be caged alone.

Feels kind of like having Embracing Darkness casted on ya, takes your heart in its palm and squeezes it with unmatched strength, engulfs you with darkness and loneliness, taking away every points of living.

Naturally with such curses, cures follow.

Credits to a great forgotten Alchemist, he who came up with... Beer!

Intoxication puts the curses on hold while you drink on debufflessly, empowers you with the courage to express, the courage to tear.

Fate and Destiny... When will the time come when a great Sage will craft a spell that brings them a little closer?

2004-11-24T13:32:00.000+08:00

FINALLY!!!!

*Hugs his silvery shiny EQII box*

Everything seems brighter now, everything seems fuller.

Now if it can just install faster!

2004-11-23T17:48:00.000+08:00

At long last...
With perfect timing...

THE LONG AWAITED EQII BOX IS SO CLOSE TO MY ARMS!

One more day, less than 24 hours away...
Right after Physics P3...
I'll rushing to the Post Office...
And i'll be formally married to my EQII box!

Oh well, maybe not really...
I'm married to my comp, and we'll take care of the box together...
So I guess... It'll be our child! Of unknown gender!

Finally...
Something to keep me busy, occupied, away from everything else...

2004-11-16T18:19:00.000+08:00

Many things happened, that you do not know.
Many things that you "know", did not happen.

Somethings have never even started...
Somethings happened for reasons you'll neither understand nor accept...

I've told myself to blindly understand you thoughts, your actions...
Blind to the point where you can stab me in the heart...
And I will still think you meant well...

I wasn't angry, I understood, I was glad you cared...
It wasn't until the sms you sent me, I replied with apologies...
But still I get the same kind of response...

I gave up then.

Funny how life can change and twist sometimes...
Faster than you can blink... Faster than I can say "Stop! What's going on?"

If I can not have your trust and faith...
If you insist on leaving...
Then I trust your choice, your decision that i'm not worth your time.

You know how much I am into Fate, Destiny...
Maybe it's all meant to be... Or meant not to be.

As for my other friend...

Pardon my extreme insensitivity, that you deserve my apology for.

I'm sorry.

Just glad we're still friends...
Your pain I can feel.

Thought i'll write it here, or it'll be kind of odd ( Just me? ).

Best of luck all my dear ex-friend... All others I may have unknowingly lost... In all and everything that you do...

Just remember that my heart is still open to you...
As long as you're willing to come in again.

2004-11-07T23:36:00.000+08:00

Life is odd... Strange.

Just a couple of days to Math P1 and now I have something else added to my mind.

Dreams... Aspirations... Change... Magical.

I need your help with this one, dear old Time.

2004-11-06T23:25:00.000+08:00

A special looking cake sits quietly in the fridge of a cake shop.

Day 1 -
Little hopping John steps into the shop and points at the beautiful fruit cake. "Try and we're sure you'll be next special looking cake!", comforts the other cakes. The beautiful fruit cake says good bye to its friends and departs for happiness. The special looking cake looks on with envy.

Day 2 -
Medium grinning Mary steps into the shop and points at the beautiful chocolate cake.
"Try and we're sure you'll be next special looking cake!", comforts the other cakes. The beautiful chocolate cake waves good bye to its friends and departs for happiness. The special looking cake looks on with envy.

Day 3 -
Huge frowning Woody steps into the shop and points at the beautiful Oreo cake. "Try and we're sure you'll be next special looking cake!", comforts the other cakes. The beautiful Oreo cake smiles good bye to its friends and departs for happiness. The special looking cake looks on with envy.

Day 4 to n -
The hideous looking cake sits alone now, staring out through the fridge at the everyday busy traffic. Loneliness was overwhelming. With each day it slowly... Very very slowly... Crawls towards the edge of the shelf. Even when it was almost falling off... Nobody saw, nobody cares. At last it slipped and fell head first on to the bottom shelf, and became no more than an ugly stain.

Day n+1 -
New fridge replaces old fridge, hideous cake gets multiated into nothingness...

Design with care, dear bakers...
Carelessness can bring years of misery to your creation.

2004-11-05T21:46:00.000+08:00

What saddens you now, my dear self.

Everything that may seem troubling, are in fact... Wasted time.

Wasted time thinking about things that are minor, unimportant, and utterly insignificiant... Compared to the real world.

What saddens you now, the same age old *problem*?

You have this machina by your side. More than enough company.

I am feeling old, drinks and fries at a nearby coffee shop seem to be the next best entertainment. I can see my future crystal clear now.

What saddens you now... Pointless, meaningless ponderings.

There's more to computers than life.

I sit alone on my swing, looking far into nothingness.

2004-11-02T13:14:00.000+08:00

So my order won't be processed till it arrives at their shop.
So my order won't be shipped till it's processed.
So my order won't be coming till it's shipped.

So I probably won't get to hug it to sleep when I get back from Math P1.

Damn.

The least they can do is to process the card earlier, if anything screws up last minute and i've to wait like... A week or two before it comes...

I'll be terribly sad *cough*.

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Missed my blog writing yesterday, so here's a little backtracking.

It was... Amazing, to say the least.

The rain was pouring, we walked right through and effectively had a shower.
Something I wanted to do for a long time now... Rain is the win.

When you look up into the sky, rain drops cover your face, and when you do not have to give half a shit about getting wet...

You feel free...
Nothing binds you...
Consequences can take a backseat...

You are one with the wind.

Everything... Goes away with the storm...
Everything... You don't want to remember...

Can you feel the pain?

2004-10-31T22:15:00.000+08:00

I understand now.

All these years, all these time...

I've been told, i've been psychoed, i've been forcefully made to believe...
The wrong things, the bullshits, the donkey craps.

Have faith, if I had been told what reflects reality...
I would have lived and will live with it.

Now I have to undo your efforts...

Not easy at all.

2004-10-29T23:05:00.000+08:00

Walking out of school this day, I was overwhelmed by this...
Odd sense of misery, sudden wave of saddness.

Everything suddenly seemed wrong, I suddenly felt so alone.

I lagged behind the gang while we walked to the food court-look-alike. I couldn't bring myself to walk any faster, I needed some silence.

I wished then, someone... Who can take my heart away... Will do this slow-walk with me.

Engulfed by darkness, nothing's in sight, nothing exist.

I need more *drinks*.

2004-10-29T01:08:00.000+08:00

More time spent on swings today with the gang! Damn i'm so addicted.

Nothing very much happened, something didn't go as timely as I hoped.

Spent sometime revamping my ghetto site tonight.

Too tired to write more.